Feb 17, 2010 Meeting Update

At our meeting last night we discussed the time we spent with our children. Although, too short, these memories are burned into our minds. Every detail of our children or the time that led up to losing our children are crystal clear. We also discussed, how hard it can be to think about holding our children and taking pictures when we were all in such shock. Although at the time, I never thought of holding my son until it was suggested. It was such a gift, to have someone there to tell us to hold our baby when the worst had happened. I don't know what I would do without those memories. There are no other memories I hold so dear.  Even though the pain is so deep, I wouldn't trade it. Without this pain, I never would have known my sweet boy.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/182572/output/print


http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Trying Again

The decision to try to conceive again after a loss is one of the hardest and scariest decisions you will ever have to make. Heavy in our minds and hearts are our angels and the possibility of facing another loss. However you decide to add to your family, whether it be another pregnancy or an adoption, waiting will be part of it. It's that time with you thoughts that can be so painful and scary. During another pregnancy, you keep waiting for something to go wrong. You will keep waiting for a doctor to tell you there is no heartbeat or your baby has a lethal diagnosis. It's maddening, truly. There are days the grief is so overwhelming you don't think you can go on. It's those days when your angel will be there for you. When no one else can understand why you are not thinking positively or hopeful, your angel will be there. It's so important to hold on to whatever you can to get through another pregnancy minute by minute. The same holds true for adoption. Even though it may seem easier to adopt, and not go through the insanity of another pregnancy, there is still anxiety and fear. During another pregnancy, at the very least the baby is with you and you have a bit more control over the day to day. If you feel a strange symptom, you can go to the doctor for reassurance. During the adoption process you are at the mercy of others. The adoption agency, the schedule and forms, the country, all along the way, you are waiting for others to do their job and help you. A pregnancy cannot last longer than 42 weeks, at max. Many times after a loss, you will not have to wait 42 weeks, the doctors will want your baby out almost as much as you do to ensure their safety. An adoption can last a year or more depending on so may factors, that are out of your hands. The plus, you will be given a live child. A pregnancy may not have those same results. Even though the odds are in your favor.
  It is important during both, to realize, you are both your best and worst ally. To survive the almost unbearable wait, you must use coping skills to keep your sanity. Remember,  you have a reason to be scared. Sometimes the simple admission of that fact can help you. We fight so hard against the sadness and fear. Sometimes embracing it, as our own reality can add a level of comfort. Reminding yourself of the facts at that moment can help too. When your mind and fears are spiraling out of control, stopping to assess what is happening at that exact minute can help lessen the fear. Is your baby okay right then and there? Have you done everything you can do up to that point? Have you spoken to your adoption agency and submitted all the paperwork you are responsible for?
   Truly adding to your family after a loss or losses will test you in ways you didn't think possible. It will bring you to the brink of sanity. If you can survive it though, you will have the greatest gift in the world, a child. You also will take with you the knowledge you have survived the worst and live to tell about it.


http://miscarriage.about.com/od/tryingagainafterloss/Trying_to_Conceive_After_Miscarriage_Pregnancy_Loss.htm

http://www.babyzone.com/preconception/getting_pregnant/article/conceive-after-stillbirth

http://blightedovum.kokopuff.net/trying.html

http://www.multiplebirthsfamilies.com/articles/ber_q2.html

Dads

A father's grief is pretty complicated. In my option, even more than a mother's, when a pregnancy is lost. Mother's have every day of a pregnancy. For most, from the minute the test shows positive, life is different. We eat differently, we take vitamins and see the doctor regularly. Dad's get to watch. Many are just as excited as mothers at the joyous news, but they don't "feel" different. Once a Dad gets to feel his child move, it makes the impending baby real. They think about the future, holding their child, playing with their child and protecting their child. When a pregnancy is lost, their future is shattered too. Mourning is expected for the mothers. Fathers often get over looked. Well wishers often ask about the mothers and give advice to the fathers without thinking about how they may be feeling. It is also complicated by the social norms of our culture. Fathers and husbands are fixers and protectors. The fathers I know, often express not wanting to upset their wives further by crying or talking about the baby. They grieve in a private hidden way.  They feel as if they let their family down.
    It is so important to be patient and kind to all the Dads too. They are feeling the same as we Moms are, they are mourning the hopes and dreams of this tiny little life. They too wonder if there something they could have done to prevent the loss. They too are fearful of what the future may hold. Our society needs to accept the need to grieve for fathers as well a mothers. As these children were not created by mothers only.


http://www.mend.org/newsletters/vol3iss1.htm#Perspective
http://www.missfoundation.org/family/dads/journal.html

Jan 20 2010 Meeting Update

At our meeting last night, our discussion centered around the other people in our lives that don't get it. Co-workers, friends and family. At these, our darkest hours it seems like such a small thing to ask for some understanding and compassion. For some people, this is impossible. When we are newly bereaved and just struggling to breathe,  we need support, kindness and compassion from everyone around us. Unfortunately, it seems we mostly get, judgement and hurtful comments from some. Every moment we are grieving, seems to "put others out", and "bring others down". It seems like everyone is waiting for us to get over it, and go back to our happy selves. This is impossible. Not that happiness is impossible, it is possible, it just takes time to find our peace. We now are losing relationships as well as our children.

This can be seen especially at our workplaces. Most bereaved parents rush into going back to work after a loss. We welcome the distraction from our most intense grief. However, this can be seen as a mixed signal to others. Someone without the experience of a loss, might think you are "better" and ready to be your old self. This usually leaves the already heavily burdened parent with more expectations than can be handled.  Sometimes, educating the people around us can help. Letting others know to be patient with us as we adjust to our new normal. Sadly, there are others who will not even try to be understanding. At those times and with those people, self preservation is key.  We must be kindest to ourselves. Reaching out to out friends and family who do get it and sometimes leaving the hurtful friends behind. One of the greatest gifts our children give us, are the new friendships and relationships formed in these darkest hours. These relationships are lasting, because they are not fair weather, which is easy. These friends are true, they have seen you at your most vulnerable and weakest and are not afraid to hold your hand.


http://www.babysteps.com/rrddmn.html  : do's and dont's to say to a bereaved parent

http://www.compassionatefriends.ca/images/Family%20&%20Friends.htm  : more do's and dont's

http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/1612312217.html

http://www.healingheart.net/blog1/  : nice post about the benefits of journaling your grief as a path to healing

http://www.squidoo.com/mynicubabydied : info and links primarily dealing with nicu loss, but helpful to most bereaved parents

Our Journey

This is from a very interesting and long article linked below. Our grief as parents truly is a life long journey. Not one part of our life goes untouched.


Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent's being...When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is [their] link to the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51

http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

Jan 6, 2010 Meeting Update

      The conversation centered around guilt at our meeting this past Wednesday. It seems so strange that as we deal with this most painful loss, we feel guilt on top of everything else. The guilt that some how we were responsible for the loss, the guilt that we cannot "mother" our children. The guilt that as everyday passes and the fog lifts, that we may be happy again. There is the guilt, that somehow having another child is a betrayal of  our angel children. It is a very precarious edge we walk on as bereaved parents. We don't want to feel this pain, this sadness, it is too hard.  But as we move forward in our life without our children, we mourn the pain and sadness just as we mourn our children. Guilt is a natural part of grieving. We all loved our children more than we loved ourselves. It is that undying love that fuels some of the guilt.

       Moving forward is hard. Very hard. The guilt, the fear and grief is blinding. Finding ways to honor our children seems to help ease some of the guilt, fear and grief. When doing something with our children in mind, the guilt can be transformed. Since we have been deprived of mothering, we are doing the next best thing, acting in the name of our children.
      Our children would want us to be happy, to continue to grow our family, to remember them fondly. There are days that this is impossible. However, there are also days when the thought of our children can make us smile, knowing we are doing the best we can and honoring the spirit in which they came to us.


http://miscarriage.about.com/od/rememberingyourbaby/tp/miscmemorials.htm

http://bereavedmomsshare.com/page9.html

New Year

 The changing of a new year can be just another difficult day in the life of a bereaved parent. Yet another year without your child or children. Yet another bittersweet time. Again, while others are excited about the new possibilities the coming year has to offer, we think of the distance yet another year brings from the memory of our children.  Another year, to "act" healed, to "act" over it.

May the coming year bring peace to your heart.

 New Year’s Wishes for Bereaved Parents 
(from a speech by former TCF National President, Joe Rousseau)

To the newly bereaved:  We wish you patience – patience with yourselves in the painful weeks,
months, and even years ahead.

To the bereaved sibling:  We wish for you and your parents a new understanding of each other’s
needs and the beginnings of good communication.

To those who are single parents:  We wish you the inner resources we know you will need to
cope, often being alone with your loss.

To those experiencing marital difficulties after the death of a child: We wish you a special
willingness and ability to communicate with each other.

To those of you who have suffered the death of more than one child:  We wish you the
endurance you will need to fight your way back to a meaningful life once again.

To those of you who have experienced the death of an only child or of all of your
children:  We offer you our eternal gratitude for serving as such an inspiration to the rest of
us.

To those of you who are plagued with guilt:  We wish you the reassurance that you did the
very best you could under the circumstances, and that your child knew that.

To those of you who are deeply depressed:  We wish you the first steps out of the “valley of
the shadow.”

To all of the fathers and those of you unable to cry:  We wish you healing tears and the
ability to express your grief.

To all of you who are exhausted from grieving:  We wish you the strength to face just one
more hour, just one more day.

To all the others with special needs that we have not mentioned:  We wish you the
understanding you need and the assurance that you are loved.