Jan 20 2010 Meeting Update

At our meeting last night, our discussion centered around the other people in our lives that don't get it. Co-workers, friends and family. At these, our darkest hours it seems like such a small thing to ask for some understanding and compassion. For some people, this is impossible. When we are newly bereaved and just struggling to breathe,  we need support, kindness and compassion from everyone around us. Unfortunately, it seems we mostly get, judgement and hurtful comments from some. Every moment we are grieving, seems to "put others out", and "bring others down". It seems like everyone is waiting for us to get over it, and go back to our happy selves. This is impossible. Not that happiness is impossible, it is possible, it just takes time to find our peace. We now are losing relationships as well as our children.

This can be seen especially at our workplaces. Most bereaved parents rush into going back to work after a loss. We welcome the distraction from our most intense grief. However, this can be seen as a mixed signal to others. Someone without the experience of a loss, might think you are "better" and ready to be your old self. This usually leaves the already heavily burdened parent with more expectations than can be handled.  Sometimes, educating the people around us can help. Letting others know to be patient with us as we adjust to our new normal. Sadly, there are others who will not even try to be understanding. At those times and with those people, self preservation is key.  We must be kindest to ourselves. Reaching out to out friends and family who do get it and sometimes leaving the hurtful friends behind. One of the greatest gifts our children give us, are the new friendships and relationships formed in these darkest hours. These relationships are lasting, because they are not fair weather, which is easy. These friends are true, they have seen you at your most vulnerable and weakest and are not afraid to hold your hand.


http://www.babysteps.com/rrddmn.html  : do's and dont's to say to a bereaved parent

http://www.compassionatefriends.ca/images/Family%20&%20Friends.htm  : more do's and dont's

http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/1612312217.html

http://www.healingheart.net/blog1/  : nice post about the benefits of journaling your grief as a path to healing

http://www.squidoo.com/mynicubabydied : info and links primarily dealing with nicu loss, but helpful to most bereaved parents