Christmas Poems

These are just a few poem I've found for the holidays. The holidays can be so difficult as they are child centered. Please take comfort in memorializing you child during the holidays. Even the smallest gesture at this time of year can bring great peace.

Please have a peaceful holiday and New Year and remember our children are proud of us.

http://pilari.org/articles/baby-loss-christmas-poem.html

http://www.angelabode.com/holidayideas.html

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/holidays.htm

Local Memorial Events

There is a candle lighting event to memorialize children who has passed. 


RHINEBECK: Burnett & White Funeral Homes of Rhinebeck and Red Hook, in conjunction with the international group The Compassionate Friends, will sponsor the seventh annual candle-lighting ceremony for anyone in the Hudson Valley who would like to remember a child who has died. Those who wish to participate should go to Burnett & White Funeral Home, 91 E.Market St., Rhinebeck, at 6:45 p.m. Dec. 12. The lighting of candles will begin at 7 p.m., followed by the sharing of memories and fellowship. A remembrance table will be available and those who attend are encouraged to bring photographs and memorabilia to display, as well as letters, poems, music or favorite readings to share. For more information, call 845-876-3193 or 845-758-5042.

Getting Through the Holidays

I  found this calendar to help ease the bereaved parent through the holidays and I thought it was great. I wish I had something like this when I was newly bereaved and struggling though our first holidays without Derek. It gives some great suggestions on things to do throughout the season to memorialize our babies.

http://www.erichad.com/holidays/calendar.htm

Thanksgiving

Please be kind to yourself this Thanksgiving and Holiday Season. Don't feel you need to put on a show, or happy face for others. You are a grieving parent, allow yourself to grieve. The holidays are a difficult time when you are a bereaved parent. It's not fair, the world seems to be celebrating when you don't feel there is a reason to celebrate. Don't let others tell you what to do or how to grieve, every person is different. There is no right or wrong. Try to keep your holidays simple, especially if this is your first. First holidays can be particularly painful, try to surround yourself with those who have been supportive and helpful in your grief.  Remember your love for your child isn't any more or less on this or any day. Even though it may be hard, try to remember the most wonderful memories of your child or pregnancy. Be kind to yourself, give yourself the gift of time and patience.
I hope your Thanksgiving is peaceful, and that you can enjoy the memories of your beloved child.

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/Articles/PREPARING_FOR_THANKSGIVING.pdf

http://journeyfrommourning.blogspot.com/2010/11/forgiving-thanksgiving.html

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/Articles/THANKFULVERSUSTHANKLESS.pdf

http://www.bpmarion.org/HTML/HolidayHelp.htm

Local Memorial Celebration

On November 2, St. Columba Church in Hopewell Junction NY, has a memorial mass. It is a wonderful mass, I went last year and am looking forward to going again this year.

New Web Resources

I have recently discovered some great new websites to help the grieving parent. I'm thrilled to see a shift in the way people are dealing with grief as bereaved parents. No longer are parents hiding their grief and keeping silent about their children. It seems more parents than ever are openly speaking about their losses and trying to educate others about the pain of living without their child. This is so inspirational to me and I hope it inspires others. Our children deserve to be spoken about proudly. Our loss is no small thing and needs to be acknowledged, only then will science take real interest in preventing the loss we endure.

http://www.facesofloss.com/

http://grieveoutloud.org/

http://thegriefeffect.blogspot.com/

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/

http://whisperedsupport.blogspot.com/

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

On this day, we take time to remember our babies and remember all the babies who have died. By banding together, we show the world, our babies we real and loved and remembered always.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregnancy_and_Infant_Loss_Remembrance_Day

http://www.pilari.org/

Education

As this is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, it is important for us to take the opportunity to educate others as we grieve. Speaking for myself, it was very painful to me that others did not understand the depth of our loss and grief. Since no one really talks about the loss of a baby, whether during pregnancy or after birth, grieving parents are alienated and have to hide their grief away. Without education, those who have not experienced the loss first hand do not know to or know how to support those who have experienced this most heartbreaking loss. It is our right as bereaved parents to speak openly about our loss. We should not hide our grief away. Our children were loved, and wanted and are sorely missed everyday of our lives.

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/comments.htm

http://www.pregnancy.org/article/responding-when-people-dont-understand-your-miscarriage

Time

It is often said that “time heals all wounds” or “this too shall pass.” Time passes. It does not heal. Healing is an active process. It doesn’t happen to us. We must participate in the process of our healing. Healing also happens for us. It is a gift we give to ourselves in the moment we decide to stay “open” to what has broken us. It allows us to bring our lost babies with us, through the rest of our lives. It allows us to share our babies with our subsequent children and teach them about love and loss, compassion and empathy. 


As a newly bereaved parent, this might sound impossible. Healing, thankfully, does not require huge steps. Tiny steps add up. Before you think it is even possible, you might find yourself smiling at the thought of your baby instead of just crying. You might see a butterfly and think of your child peaceful and free. Sure, there will be setbacks along the way, but when you taste the freedom and peace healing can provide, you will be inspired to continue. Our babies deserve a chance at the happiness and love our healing can give.

Time does not heal, but healing does take time. Give yourself the gift of time. 



http://www.griefwatch.com/


http://www.connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/show?id=1984035:Page:3302

http://ezinearticles.com/?Time-is-Different-When-Youre-Grieving&id=630738

http://www.griefhealing.com/column1.htm

Walk to Remember

19th Annual

Walk to Remember

October is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. A national network of parents, healthcare professionals, friends and family members across the United States will be symbolically joining each other by participating in their local "Walk to Remember". This walk is dedicated to approximately 870,000 babies who die each year through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or newborn death.

Date: Sunday October 3, 2010 - rain or shine

Time: 1:00pm

Place: Waryas Park at the foot of Main Street, Poughkeepsie, NY 12601

*Everyone is welcome- your family, friends and other bereaved families

*For more information, please contact Ann Critelli (845)224-6470

Sponsored by the Perinatal Bereavement Program at Vassar Brothers Medical Center

First Trimester Loss

Pregnancy loss at any stage is hard. I think the loss of a pregnancy during the first trimester can be the hardest. In most cases, you have nothing, no photo, no ultrasound, no urn, no grave site to tend. Most doctors do not do any testing to determine cause after a single loss. Many people say it's common and to just get over it and try again. There is literally no one to turn to. It is tragic, on top of losing your precious child, you have also lost the right to grieve.
There are many things that may help after a first trimester loss. Naming your child can be extremely helpful. No matter how long your pregnancy lasted, this was still your baby. A name can help you make a real connection with your child. A name makes your child real, it was not a group of cells, it was not a tiny embryo or a fetus, it was your baby. Over the years I have met many parents who have named children they never got to see or touch. Children that may otherwise have been forgotten.
Another way to help grieve for your child is to make a donation in your child name or in your family name to a foundation for children or a needy family with a child close in age to your baby. The gift of giving can go a great distance to help your heart find peace again.
Sometimes a piece of jewelry can be helpful. There are many types of memorial jewelry to be found that can help as a physical reminder of your loss. A locket, angel pin or pendant or a bracelet can be a tangible reminder of your loss and your love.
Your love for your child starts well before the birth. Your love starts before conception. Your love started when you first thought about starting a family. How can you be expected to just turn your back on a child created in love, even though the child has passed away?

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/comments.htm

http://pregnancyloss.info/

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/rememberingyourbaby/tp/miscmemorials.htm

Relationship Issues

I recently read an article that said a large number of marriages having experienced the loss of a child fail. It really made me angry and sad. Sad for these marriages now facing the additional loss of their family, but angry because that does not have to be the case. I truly blame our society. We live in a society that does not allow bereaved parents to grieve. We are expected to put on an happy face and just move on, when inside we are dying. We aren't allowed to talk about our children, cry for our children, truly mourn the greatest loss of our life. It is insanity. How can a marriage expect to survive under that cover? How can a person survive? What we need is understanding, we need to be able to express our sadness in our own way. We need the acknowledgement that our children were and are an important part of our lives. We need the acceptance of the new people we have become after the loss of our child. All of these things could take the pressure off of our shoulders as we learn to live without our children instead of adding more stress to our lives.
 Now, sadly, there are marriages that cannot survive the loss of a child, but there are also marriages made stronger in spite of their loss. Of the ones I have seen, the greatest common factor is understanding. I think when a couple understands that the other partner is grieving in their own way, it can take a bit of pressure off the marriage. There will be times when you will grieve together as a couple, particularly when you are newly bereaved. In the beginning, you are both so raw. As a little time passes, people start to get more comfortable with their way of grieving. If we can respect that difference, we can reduce some of the conflict that might arise. Also if we can come together, and realize our common ground is our undying love for our children, we can team up against a society that does not recognize our babies.


http://www.thelaboroflove.com/forum/loss/bereavedmoms.html

http://marriage.about.com/cs/parenting/a/unthinkgrief.htm

http://www.erichad.com/marriage.htm

Walk to Remember

Every year we do this event to honor our children. We are looking for suggestions to better this memorial. If you have any suggestions at all,  please let us know.

Anger

Anger is a very complicated feeling for the bereaved parent. We are angry at ourselves....blaming ourselves  for things we think we could have done differently. Anger at God.....wondering why he let something like this happen. Anger at others.....who say things they think comfort us but are actually very hurtful. Anger at the world for just going on like nothing happened. Anger is a burden that can be very hard to overcome. The anger can consume you. The loss of a child has no answer, it is impossible to reason out.  It is unlike any other grief.  If we allow the anger to take hold, we can hinder our healing, we can hinder our ability to find peace. I have always tried to think of what my son would have wanted when feelings of anger sneak in. I try to think about how, Derek would not have wanted me to be angry and miserable. He would want me to be happy. Sometimes that is all it takes to bring myself back. Other times when the anger has more of a hold. It can be helpful to let it out. Give yourself five or ten minutes to let it out, yell, scream, cry, throw something, punch a pillow, get it out of your head and heart. Then take a few breaths and regroup, try to figure out what triggered your more extreme anger and think of ways to handle it the next time it hits.  For me, the important thing is to realize is anger is part of my grief. I have to be mindful of it and not allow it to bring me down or set me back.


http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcsurvivingemotionally.html

http://www.wdxcyber.com/nmood07.htm

Fear

After the loss of a pregnancy, your dream of becoming a parent has been shattered.  After the dust settles, and you begin to think about trying again, you hit a wall of fear. The fear of not being able to get pregnant  again. The fear of getting pregnant and the same thing happening again. The fear of getting pregnant and something different happening. The fear can be totally irrational and all consuming, but because you have lost a child, you know, what you fear can be a reality.  Fear is normal, we have experienced the worst thing to ever happen. When you have experienced heartbreak of that magnitude, it has lasting effects. Others try to be helpful and tell us to "think positively" and "be hopeful", but that is not easy. Taking it day by day, sometimes minute by minute is how I did it.  During my two subsequent pregnancies, there were days I didn't think I would make it. I didn't think I had the strength. Looking back now, I realize, the strength of a bereaved parent is almost infinite. We live. There is nothing harder to do than live while our children do not. We hardly ever give ourselves that credit. Everyday we climb the mountain of life after the loss of a child.  We owe it to ourselves and to our precious children to pursue our dream of parenthood. Our children are our most precious treasure and I truly believe they would want us to live life just as if they had been able to live with us.

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/tryingagainafterloss/tp/decidingwhentotryagain.htm

http://www.sidelines.org/

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/ttc-pregnancy-birth/

More Support Websites

Here are a few more website that have been of some help to myself and others. I would encourage searching yourself, with the advice to include "support" in the search engine. There are a lot of sites out there, many of which may be to sad or too shocking. Sticking with some of the bigger more well known sites might steer you in a more helpful direction.

www.earlyangels.com

www.bornangels.com/

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a15155/miscarriage_stillbirth_infant_loss

http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?folderId=1&listMode=13&nav=messages&webtag=ab-miscarriage

Support Groups

One of the best ways to deal with the grief of losing a child is to speak with other bereaved parents. Only another bereaved parent can truly understand what life is like without your child. Going to local support group meetings can be a way to minimize the isolated feeling sometimes felt. It can also be a great way to create a supportive network for yourself to share the difficult feelings and  emotions. We sometimes keep our feelings and thoughts hidden from our other friends and family, for fear they will make hurtful statements or think we are going crazy. Sometimes a local support groups might not work because of other obligations. This is where online support can come in. Many bereaved parents reach out online as a way to cope with their grief. There are tons of very helpful groups that can be found after a bit of looking. Below are just five of thousands. There is help our there in so many forms....You are not alone.


http://www.missfoundation.org/forums/

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

http://babylossandhealing.com/forums/

http://hygeiafoundation.org/form1.htm

http://www.inciid.org/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=29

Blessings

"God Bless the broken road that led me straight to my children" A friend in grief recently posted this, speaking of her angel daughter, living son and son on the way.

So often we only think of the sadness and pain associated with our losses, not the gifts that come as a result of our losses. Subsequent children, life lessons, new friends, courage, faith, hope. These "gifts" are so powerful. We are changed so completely by our losses we hardly recognize ourselves.  In the beginning, it can be hard to think you will ever be happy again. As time goes on, even though our sadness continues, we long for happiness again. When the initial shock of our loss has worn off a little, it is possible to start seeing the miracles our children leave with us. The little signs, others may take for granted, a sunny day, a butterfly, a new friend. It's important to not let the grief cover you so much that you cannot see these things. I try to see only the happy times and "good" left behind by my son. Without his passing, I would have never found out about a potentially life-threatening condition I carry. Apparently, my life is important enough to stay here, as hard as that is without him.  Without his passing, my marriage might not be so strong. Apparently, my husband and I belong together. I would not have created this blog. Apparently, it can be helpful to other living in grief. The list is almost endless, the blessing my son has bestowed onto me.  I am thankful every day for my son. Without his passing, I would not have seen the light.

Technical Difficulties

I apologize, apparently some of the post have disappeared. I am investigating this and will get everything back in oder ASAP.

Mother's Day

"Motherhood is an eternal place within your heart...a sacred place that belongs to you. Deep within the very essence of your existence, you are all mothers, whether you have living children or not-- you're still mothers-- beautiful and loving mothers. And while you may not be able to care for your child/children on earth, that sacred place of motherhood remains within you. Remember always that the love of a mother is stronger than any other force in the universe. The love of a mother transcends death." ~Joanne Caccitore, Founder of the MISS Foundation




Wishing everyone a peaceful and blessed Mother's Day 2010

How to Respond

This is the list  I've been looking for, for the 6 years I've been living as a bereaved parent. Many times people say thing that are hurtful or just not helpful and we have know idea how to respond. Sometimes it's just too much to think of a response. Later on I usually think of something to say, but the moment has passed. This will be particularly helpful to the newly bereaved, it can arm you with answers to questions and ways to stop insensitive remarks by well meaning friends and family.

http://www.bereavedparents.com/index.php/grief-topics/50-howtorespond

Special Days

Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, date of death... these are the days bereaved parents dread.  We wait for them, and they mark the passing of another year without our beloved children. They are the days when your grief can surge and spill over. As if we need anything else to stress ourselves when dealing with life without our children, these days can be very stressful. We stress over who will remember and who will forget. We stress over what to do to honor our children. We stress over all the mundane activities we are still slaves to, even though we'd rather they all disappear at least for one day. April 19 marked our son Derek's 6th birthday. Every year we "celebrate" with a cake and sing happy birthday. It is so bittersweet. On one hand I love to sing happy birthday to our angel, on the other hand, I'd rather be singing to a living child. Hearing our other children sing happy birthday to their brother makes me cry, every time. Over the years I have heard of many things that can help commemorate the passing of another year. Planting a garden can be helpful and fun. Growing something that comes back year after year can really help ease the pain of not mothering a child. As each year passes, adding new plants can really make a beautiful memorial to your child. Some parents plant trees, watching it grow each year for your child. Having a balloon release is another suggestion. Sending a balloon up to your angel can be a nice thing to do, especially when you have other children.  We always spend Derek's birthday outside. The fresh air and sunshine make it very hard to be depressed and sad. I always think of it, as if he were living. If we had a living 6 year old, he's most likely want to be playing outside on his birthday. It's also important to remember, there is no right or wrong way to celebrate a special day. What works this year may or may not work next year. It's more important to do something that brings you peace at this emotional time.

http://www.alovingjourney.org/angelversary.htm

Isolation

Being a bereaved parent is a very lonely experience. When you are new to grief, it feels as if you are the only person this has ever happened to. You feel as if no one else in the world has lost a child.  Usually, people come out of the wood work and share their own stories of loss and you begin to see, you are not alone. Sadly, many others have lost children too. Why is it that no one speaks of these losses? Our society doesn't take well to the loss of children. The whole idea that a tiny innocent child can pass on, is too much for many to think about. They encourage those grieving to keep it private. Others are just so insensitive, a grief stricken parent cannot bear to hear the hurtful things they might say, so they remain silent. Allowing yourself to remain isolated allows the sadness to overwhelm you. It pulls you down to a hopeless place, none of our children would ever want us to be. As a parent new to grief, you just don't realize there are others out there who know the depth of your pain. Grieving the loss of your child is a very difficult thing to do. The pain is debilitating. However, if you can find other grieving parents, you can realize all your feeling are normal. Grief has no end point. The only solice, is if you allow yourself to grieve, you can find a peaceful place.  Peace is a wonderful thing, it allows you to think of your child with a smile rather than a tear. Peace allows you to do things to honor yourself and your child. Peace can give you the courage to continue living your life, even though your child cannot.

Triggers of Grief

Its funny how small things can cause your grief to surge. Something you might encounter everyday, the weather, time of year, a song. It can set you back to a very painful part of your grief. In a few weeks it will be 6 years since we lost our first son Derek. 6 years is a long time to be without a person you love, especially a child. It might as well be 600 years. Every year since, the beginning of spring is a time of mixed emotions. Happy to have nice weather. Sad to know another year is passing.  The buds on the trees and the soon to be blooming flowers brings me right back to the days before Derek's birth. The anticipation, the excitement, the wanting to share with him this life. It also brings back the desperation and sadness of losing him. The utter betrayal of the world moving on as if he never existed. I remember feeling like every new blossom was a knife to the heart. Every sunny day another drop in the bucket of an already overflowing bucket of tears. So now every spring, so many thing bring me right back to the most sadness I ever have and ever will feel. After all this time I now come to expect it and almost welcome it. It strengthens my connection to him. When I was newer to grief, it felt like I was reliving it, it would take the whole month to get back to a place of peace.
 Triggers are part of a grieving life. And although they might seem like torture, they are little reminders that our love is so great. Remembering that those triggers are helpful in teaching us how to cope with our loss. They teach us a bad minute, or hour or day need not start you from square one again. It teaches us not to fear the sadness, but embrace it and let it pass through us. It is not forever, the tears and sadness will stop, usually quicker than the last surge. Grief is not something to be afraid of, it shows that we are loving compassionate people. It shows we care about others and ourselves.
In the almost 6 years since our son has passed and the countless times I have cried for him, never once have I felt guilty that I cry for him. He was and is my son, created in love and mourned so dearly.




http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Deal-with-Grief-Triggers-Long-After-the-Death-of-a-Loved-One&id=890551


http://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/cp2/ideasteens/teens_triggers.shtml

Why

Why did this happen to us? Why did our baby have to die? When we lose a child, there are a million questions with no answers. Sometimes we might get a medical reason for our loss, sometimes not. Whether there is a medical explanation or not, the question, why, is still there. As our mind tries to figure how to deal with our loss, why, becomes one of the top unanswerable questions. Will there ever be answer that could satisfy the, why? Probably not. We could choose to blame ourselves and criticize every decision we made during the pregnancy, but that would not bring our children back and would most likely lead to more anguish. It can be helpful to think of what to do with it instead. As we have been deprived of parenting our child, it can help to do something for our child to honor their memory and continue their influence on our life. Knowing they did not die in vain, knowing that their life, however brief, made a difference to the people around them is profound. We have been changed forever by that tiny little life, to continue on in a fashion that would make them proud of us as their parents, is to continue their legacy. Sadly, their lives may not seem very significant, to the outside world. But we know the truth, these tiny babies accomplished in a small about of time, what others need a lifetime to accomplish. They have touched our hearts and left a very large mark on us. 
We are lucky and proud to be their parents.

March 3, 2010 Meeting update

 At our meeting we discussed difficult situations we might come into as bereaved parents and how self preservation can help us manage these times. Seeing a new baby, commitments others try to put on us and anything we might not feel comfortable doing can be more difficult as a bereaved parent. We have less of a reserve to deal with such things and can be more emotionally drained by these things. At times when we feel more vulnerable, we need to be kind to ourselves first.
     When a friend or family member has a new baby they may want you to meet, it can be unnerving and sad. We would love to be showing off our own children. We would love to be holding our own children. Sometimes, others do not know how hard it can be to just see another baby. The pain and grief can be overwhelming, and it can bring up feelings that make our grief harder.  At our meetings we usually recommend self-preservation when it comes to any situation. If seeing babies is too hard, don't expose yourself for a while. Acknowledge your feelings, don't try to pretend or succumb to pressure to do something you know you are not ready to do. These feeling will not last forever, allow yourself time to process them.
  Sometimes friends and family members think parties and large gatherings will some how "cure" you of your sadness. If you must go to an event, be sure you have a way out if it gets to hard to be there. Drive yourself so you don't have to wait for someone else to bring you home. Don't let your car get blocked in, so if you need to leave quickly, you won't  have to involve others to move their cars. Not getting trapped any where can be all you need to have a successful outing. Knowing you can leave at a moments notice can make things more bearable.
  Sometimes it is unsupportive people that can set off more sadness. We expect our closest friends and family to be supportive of us during this unbearably difficult time. They sometimes let us down. Self-preservation in these types of situations can mean, not spending time with a person that has been hurtful or unsupportive. We are going through too much pain to worry about insignificant details that others may deem important. We have lost our children. Everything else pales in comparison. Someone who has not lost a child may be unable to understand our new found priorities and might be resentful. To be kind to yourself is to be true to your grief and not pretend you care about something you do not.
   When you are new to grief, it can seem like the world conspires to hurt you more. You are raw with grief. As you allow yourself to grieve, over time, you become more comfortable with the new you. You may not be as affected by new babies, parties and unsupportive people. The important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself first. We have all suffered a great injustice, losing a child, do not make the rest of your life any more difficult than it has to be.

Baby Showers

Dear Expecting Friend,
  Please do not get angry or upset. I will not be attending your baby shower.  I cannot bear to see the tiny baby things you are opening. Things my baby never got to wear. Things I have had to pack away. Please don't tell me everyone wants to see me. I cannot face all the happy people when I am so sad. I cannot put a smile on my face when inside I am crying. Please do not judge me. You do not know what you would do if you lost your child. You do not know how hard it is. Please do not use our friendship to make me feel guilty. I need supportive friends to help me with this and help me grieve. Please do not tell me I have changed. I know I have changed. I long to be the happy person I once was, I will never be that person again and it will take time for me to learn how to find happiness again. Please patient and kind with me.

    

   I have lost my baby. My hopes and my future died with them. I am lost and I am trying to find myself again. I wish you all the best for your baby, I wish you get to live all the hopes and dreams that have been taken from me. But I will not be attending.

          

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/babyshower.htm

http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/pailsofhope/Q-bsinvites.htm

http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/index.cgi?view_records=1&Category=Miscarriage&ID=53

Feb 17, 2010 Meeting Update

At our meeting last night we discussed the time we spent with our children. Although, too short, these memories are burned into our minds. Every detail of our children or the time that led up to losing our children are crystal clear. We also discussed, how hard it can be to think about holding our children and taking pictures when we were all in such shock. Although at the time, I never thought of holding my son until it was suggested. It was such a gift, to have someone there to tell us to hold our baby when the worst had happened. I don't know what I would do without those memories. There are no other memories I hold so dear.  Even though the pain is so deep, I wouldn't trade it. Without this pain, I never would have known my sweet boy.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/182572/output/print


http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Trying Again

The decision to try to conceive again after a loss is one of the hardest and scariest decisions you will ever have to make. Heavy in our minds and hearts are our angels and the possibility of facing another loss. However you decide to add to your family, whether it be another pregnancy or an adoption, waiting will be part of it. It's that time with you thoughts that can be so painful and scary. During another pregnancy, you keep waiting for something to go wrong. You will keep waiting for a doctor to tell you there is no heartbeat or your baby has a lethal diagnosis. It's maddening, truly. There are days the grief is so overwhelming you don't think you can go on. It's those days when your angel will be there for you. When no one else can understand why you are not thinking positively or hopeful, your angel will be there. It's so important to hold on to whatever you can to get through another pregnancy minute by minute. The same holds true for adoption. Even though it may seem easier to adopt, and not go through the insanity of another pregnancy, there is still anxiety and fear. During another pregnancy, at the very least the baby is with you and you have a bit more control over the day to day. If you feel a strange symptom, you can go to the doctor for reassurance. During the adoption process you are at the mercy of others. The adoption agency, the schedule and forms, the country, all along the way, you are waiting for others to do their job and help you. A pregnancy cannot last longer than 42 weeks, at max. Many times after a loss, you will not have to wait 42 weeks, the doctors will want your baby out almost as much as you do to ensure their safety. An adoption can last a year or more depending on so may factors, that are out of your hands. The plus, you will be given a live child. A pregnancy may not have those same results. Even though the odds are in your favor.
  It is important during both, to realize, you are both your best and worst ally. To survive the almost unbearable wait, you must use coping skills to keep your sanity. Remember,  you have a reason to be scared. Sometimes the simple admission of that fact can help you. We fight so hard against the sadness and fear. Sometimes embracing it, as our own reality can add a level of comfort. Reminding yourself of the facts at that moment can help too. When your mind and fears are spiraling out of control, stopping to assess what is happening at that exact minute can help lessen the fear. Is your baby okay right then and there? Have you done everything you can do up to that point? Have you spoken to your adoption agency and submitted all the paperwork you are responsible for?
   Truly adding to your family after a loss or losses will test you in ways you didn't think possible. It will bring you to the brink of sanity. If you can survive it though, you will have the greatest gift in the world, a child. You also will take with you the knowledge you have survived the worst and live to tell about it.


http://miscarriage.about.com/od/tryingagainafterloss/Trying_to_Conceive_After_Miscarriage_Pregnancy_Loss.htm

http://www.babyzone.com/preconception/getting_pregnant/article/conceive-after-stillbirth

http://blightedovum.kokopuff.net/trying.html

http://www.multiplebirthsfamilies.com/articles/ber_q2.html

Dads

A father's grief is pretty complicated. In my option, even more than a mother's, when a pregnancy is lost. Mother's have every day of a pregnancy. For most, from the minute the test shows positive, life is different. We eat differently, we take vitamins and see the doctor regularly. Dad's get to watch. Many are just as excited as mothers at the joyous news, but they don't "feel" different. Once a Dad gets to feel his child move, it makes the impending baby real. They think about the future, holding their child, playing with their child and protecting their child. When a pregnancy is lost, their future is shattered too. Mourning is expected for the mothers. Fathers often get over looked. Well wishers often ask about the mothers and give advice to the fathers without thinking about how they may be feeling. It is also complicated by the social norms of our culture. Fathers and husbands are fixers and protectors. The fathers I know, often express not wanting to upset their wives further by crying or talking about the baby. They grieve in a private hidden way.  They feel as if they let their family down.
    It is so important to be patient and kind to all the Dads too. They are feeling the same as we Moms are, they are mourning the hopes and dreams of this tiny little life. They too wonder if there something they could have done to prevent the loss. They too are fearful of what the future may hold. Our society needs to accept the need to grieve for fathers as well a mothers. As these children were not created by mothers only.


http://www.mend.org/newsletters/vol3iss1.htm#Perspective
http://www.missfoundation.org/family/dads/journal.html

Jan 20 2010 Meeting Update

At our meeting last night, our discussion centered around the other people in our lives that don't get it. Co-workers, friends and family. At these, our darkest hours it seems like such a small thing to ask for some understanding and compassion. For some people, this is impossible. When we are newly bereaved and just struggling to breathe,  we need support, kindness and compassion from everyone around us. Unfortunately, it seems we mostly get, judgement and hurtful comments from some. Every moment we are grieving, seems to "put others out", and "bring others down". It seems like everyone is waiting for us to get over it, and go back to our happy selves. This is impossible. Not that happiness is impossible, it is possible, it just takes time to find our peace. We now are losing relationships as well as our children.

This can be seen especially at our workplaces. Most bereaved parents rush into going back to work after a loss. We welcome the distraction from our most intense grief. However, this can be seen as a mixed signal to others. Someone without the experience of a loss, might think you are "better" and ready to be your old self. This usually leaves the already heavily burdened parent with more expectations than can be handled.  Sometimes, educating the people around us can help. Letting others know to be patient with us as we adjust to our new normal. Sadly, there are others who will not even try to be understanding. At those times and with those people, self preservation is key.  We must be kindest to ourselves. Reaching out to out friends and family who do get it and sometimes leaving the hurtful friends behind. One of the greatest gifts our children give us, are the new friendships and relationships formed in these darkest hours. These relationships are lasting, because they are not fair weather, which is easy. These friends are true, they have seen you at your most vulnerable and weakest and are not afraid to hold your hand.


http://www.babysteps.com/rrddmn.html  : do's and dont's to say to a bereaved parent

http://www.compassionatefriends.ca/images/Family%20&%20Friends.htm  : more do's and dont's

http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/1612312217.html

http://www.healingheart.net/blog1/  : nice post about the benefits of journaling your grief as a path to healing

http://www.squidoo.com/mynicubabydied : info and links primarily dealing with nicu loss, but helpful to most bereaved parents

Our Journey

This is from a very interesting and long article linked below. Our grief as parents truly is a life long journey. Not one part of our life goes untouched.


Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent's being...When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is [their] link to the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51

http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

Jan 6, 2010 Meeting Update

      The conversation centered around guilt at our meeting this past Wednesday. It seems so strange that as we deal with this most painful loss, we feel guilt on top of everything else. The guilt that some how we were responsible for the loss, the guilt that we cannot "mother" our children. The guilt that as everyday passes and the fog lifts, that we may be happy again. There is the guilt, that somehow having another child is a betrayal of  our angel children. It is a very precarious edge we walk on as bereaved parents. We don't want to feel this pain, this sadness, it is too hard.  But as we move forward in our life without our children, we mourn the pain and sadness just as we mourn our children. Guilt is a natural part of grieving. We all loved our children more than we loved ourselves. It is that undying love that fuels some of the guilt.

       Moving forward is hard. Very hard. The guilt, the fear and grief is blinding. Finding ways to honor our children seems to help ease some of the guilt, fear and grief. When doing something with our children in mind, the guilt can be transformed. Since we have been deprived of mothering, we are doing the next best thing, acting in the name of our children.
      Our children would want us to be happy, to continue to grow our family, to remember them fondly. There are days that this is impossible. However, there are also days when the thought of our children can make us smile, knowing we are doing the best we can and honoring the spirit in which they came to us.


http://miscarriage.about.com/od/rememberingyourbaby/tp/miscmemorials.htm

http://bereavedmomsshare.com/page9.html

New Year

 The changing of a new year can be just another difficult day in the life of a bereaved parent. Yet another year without your child or children. Yet another bittersweet time. Again, while others are excited about the new possibilities the coming year has to offer, we think of the distance yet another year brings from the memory of our children.  Another year, to "act" healed, to "act" over it.

May the coming year bring peace to your heart.

 New Year’s Wishes for Bereaved Parents 
(from a speech by former TCF National President, Joe Rousseau)

To the newly bereaved:  We wish you patience – patience with yourselves in the painful weeks,
months, and even years ahead.

To the bereaved sibling:  We wish for you and your parents a new understanding of each other’s
needs and the beginnings of good communication.

To those who are single parents:  We wish you the inner resources we know you will need to
cope, often being alone with your loss.

To those experiencing marital difficulties after the death of a child: We wish you a special
willingness and ability to communicate with each other.

To those of you who have suffered the death of more than one child:  We wish you the
endurance you will need to fight your way back to a meaningful life once again.

To those of you who have experienced the death of an only child or of all of your
children:  We offer you our eternal gratitude for serving as such an inspiration to the rest of
us.

To those of you who are plagued with guilt:  We wish you the reassurance that you did the
very best you could under the circumstances, and that your child knew that.

To those of you who are deeply depressed:  We wish you the first steps out of the “valley of
the shadow.”

To all of the fathers and those of you unable to cry:  We wish you healing tears and the
ability to express your grief.

To all of you who are exhausted from grieving:  We wish you the strength to face just one
more hour, just one more day.

To all the others with special needs that we have not mentioned:  We wish you the
understanding you need and the assurance that you are loved.