How to Respond

This is the list  I've been looking for, for the 6 years I've been living as a bereaved parent. Many times people say thing that are hurtful or just not helpful and we have know idea how to respond. Sometimes it's just too much to think of a response. Later on I usually think of something to say, but the moment has passed. This will be particularly helpful to the newly bereaved, it can arm you with answers to questions and ways to stop insensitive remarks by well meaning friends and family.

http://www.bereavedparents.com/index.php/grief-topics/50-howtorespond

Special Days

Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, date of death... these are the days bereaved parents dread.  We wait for them, and they mark the passing of another year without our beloved children. They are the days when your grief can surge and spill over. As if we need anything else to stress ourselves when dealing with life without our children, these days can be very stressful. We stress over who will remember and who will forget. We stress over what to do to honor our children. We stress over all the mundane activities we are still slaves to, even though we'd rather they all disappear at least for one day. April 19 marked our son Derek's 6th birthday. Every year we "celebrate" with a cake and sing happy birthday. It is so bittersweet. On one hand I love to sing happy birthday to our angel, on the other hand, I'd rather be singing to a living child. Hearing our other children sing happy birthday to their brother makes me cry, every time. Over the years I have heard of many things that can help commemorate the passing of another year. Planting a garden can be helpful and fun. Growing something that comes back year after year can really help ease the pain of not mothering a child. As each year passes, adding new plants can really make a beautiful memorial to your child. Some parents plant trees, watching it grow each year for your child. Having a balloon release is another suggestion. Sending a balloon up to your angel can be a nice thing to do, especially when you have other children.  We always spend Derek's birthday outside. The fresh air and sunshine make it very hard to be depressed and sad. I always think of it, as if he were living. If we had a living 6 year old, he's most likely want to be playing outside on his birthday. It's also important to remember, there is no right or wrong way to celebrate a special day. What works this year may or may not work next year. It's more important to do something that brings you peace at this emotional time.

http://www.alovingjourney.org/angelversary.htm

Isolation

Being a bereaved parent is a very lonely experience. When you are new to grief, it feels as if you are the only person this has ever happened to. You feel as if no one else in the world has lost a child.  Usually, people come out of the wood work and share their own stories of loss and you begin to see, you are not alone. Sadly, many others have lost children too. Why is it that no one speaks of these losses? Our society doesn't take well to the loss of children. The whole idea that a tiny innocent child can pass on, is too much for many to think about. They encourage those grieving to keep it private. Others are just so insensitive, a grief stricken parent cannot bear to hear the hurtful things they might say, so they remain silent. Allowing yourself to remain isolated allows the sadness to overwhelm you. It pulls you down to a hopeless place, none of our children would ever want us to be. As a parent new to grief, you just don't realize there are others out there who know the depth of your pain. Grieving the loss of your child is a very difficult thing to do. The pain is debilitating. However, if you can find other grieving parents, you can realize all your feeling are normal. Grief has no end point. The only solice, is if you allow yourself to grieve, you can find a peaceful place.  Peace is a wonderful thing, it allows you to think of your child with a smile rather than a tear. Peace allows you to do things to honor yourself and your child. Peace can give you the courage to continue living your life, even though your child cannot.

Triggers of Grief

Its funny how small things can cause your grief to surge. Something you might encounter everyday, the weather, time of year, a song. It can set you back to a very painful part of your grief. In a few weeks it will be 6 years since we lost our first son Derek. 6 years is a long time to be without a person you love, especially a child. It might as well be 600 years. Every year since, the beginning of spring is a time of mixed emotions. Happy to have nice weather. Sad to know another year is passing.  The buds on the trees and the soon to be blooming flowers brings me right back to the days before Derek's birth. The anticipation, the excitement, the wanting to share with him this life. It also brings back the desperation and sadness of losing him. The utter betrayal of the world moving on as if he never existed. I remember feeling like every new blossom was a knife to the heart. Every sunny day another drop in the bucket of an already overflowing bucket of tears. So now every spring, so many thing bring me right back to the most sadness I ever have and ever will feel. After all this time I now come to expect it and almost welcome it. It strengthens my connection to him. When I was newer to grief, it felt like I was reliving it, it would take the whole month to get back to a place of peace.
 Triggers are part of a grieving life. And although they might seem like torture, they are little reminders that our love is so great. Remembering that those triggers are helpful in teaching us how to cope with our loss. They teach us a bad minute, or hour or day need not start you from square one again. It teaches us not to fear the sadness, but embrace it and let it pass through us. It is not forever, the tears and sadness will stop, usually quicker than the last surge. Grief is not something to be afraid of, it shows that we are loving compassionate people. It shows we care about others and ourselves.
In the almost 6 years since our son has passed and the countless times I have cried for him, never once have I felt guilty that I cry for him. He was and is my son, created in love and mourned so dearly.




http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Deal-with-Grief-Triggers-Long-After-the-Death-of-a-Loved-One&id=890551


http://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/cp2/ideasteens/teens_triggers.shtml

Why

Why did this happen to us? Why did our baby have to die? When we lose a child, there are a million questions with no answers. Sometimes we might get a medical reason for our loss, sometimes not. Whether there is a medical explanation or not, the question, why, is still there. As our mind tries to figure how to deal with our loss, why, becomes one of the top unanswerable questions. Will there ever be answer that could satisfy the, why? Probably not. We could choose to blame ourselves and criticize every decision we made during the pregnancy, but that would not bring our children back and would most likely lead to more anguish. It can be helpful to think of what to do with it instead. As we have been deprived of parenting our child, it can help to do something for our child to honor their memory and continue their influence on our life. Knowing they did not die in vain, knowing that their life, however brief, made a difference to the people around them is profound. We have been changed forever by that tiny little life, to continue on in a fashion that would make them proud of us as their parents, is to continue their legacy. Sadly, their lives may not seem very significant, to the outside world. But we know the truth, these tiny babies accomplished in a small about of time, what others need a lifetime to accomplish. They have touched our hearts and left a very large mark on us. 
We are lucky and proud to be their parents.

March 3, 2010 Meeting update

 At our meeting we discussed difficult situations we might come into as bereaved parents and how self preservation can help us manage these times. Seeing a new baby, commitments others try to put on us and anything we might not feel comfortable doing can be more difficult as a bereaved parent. We have less of a reserve to deal with such things and can be more emotionally drained by these things. At times when we feel more vulnerable, we need to be kind to ourselves first.
     When a friend or family member has a new baby they may want you to meet, it can be unnerving and sad. We would love to be showing off our own children. We would love to be holding our own children. Sometimes, others do not know how hard it can be to just see another baby. The pain and grief can be overwhelming, and it can bring up feelings that make our grief harder.  At our meetings we usually recommend self-preservation when it comes to any situation. If seeing babies is too hard, don't expose yourself for a while. Acknowledge your feelings, don't try to pretend or succumb to pressure to do something you know you are not ready to do. These feeling will not last forever, allow yourself time to process them.
  Sometimes friends and family members think parties and large gatherings will some how "cure" you of your sadness. If you must go to an event, be sure you have a way out if it gets to hard to be there. Drive yourself so you don't have to wait for someone else to bring you home. Don't let your car get blocked in, so if you need to leave quickly, you won't  have to involve others to move their cars. Not getting trapped any where can be all you need to have a successful outing. Knowing you can leave at a moments notice can make things more bearable.
  Sometimes it is unsupportive people that can set off more sadness. We expect our closest friends and family to be supportive of us during this unbearably difficult time. They sometimes let us down. Self-preservation in these types of situations can mean, not spending time with a person that has been hurtful or unsupportive. We are going through too much pain to worry about insignificant details that others may deem important. We have lost our children. Everything else pales in comparison. Someone who has not lost a child may be unable to understand our new found priorities and might be resentful. To be kind to yourself is to be true to your grief and not pretend you care about something you do not.
   When you are new to grief, it can seem like the world conspires to hurt you more. You are raw with grief. As you allow yourself to grieve, over time, you become more comfortable with the new you. You may not be as affected by new babies, parties and unsupportive people. The important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself first. We have all suffered a great injustice, losing a child, do not make the rest of your life any more difficult than it has to be.

Baby Showers

Dear Expecting Friend,
  Please do not get angry or upset. I will not be attending your baby shower.  I cannot bear to see the tiny baby things you are opening. Things my baby never got to wear. Things I have had to pack away. Please don't tell me everyone wants to see me. I cannot face all the happy people when I am so sad. I cannot put a smile on my face when inside I am crying. Please do not judge me. You do not know what you would do if you lost your child. You do not know how hard it is. Please do not use our friendship to make me feel guilty. I need supportive friends to help me with this and help me grieve. Please do not tell me I have changed. I know I have changed. I long to be the happy person I once was, I will never be that person again and it will take time for me to learn how to find happiness again. Please patient and kind with me.

    

   I have lost my baby. My hopes and my future died with them. I am lost and I am trying to find myself again. I wish you all the best for your baby, I wish you get to live all the hopes and dreams that have been taken from me. But I will not be attending.

          

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/babyshower.htm

http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/pailsofhope/Q-bsinvites.htm

http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/index.cgi?view_records=1&Category=Miscarriage&ID=53