Isolation

Being a bereaved parent is a very lonely experience. When you are new to grief, it feels as if you are the only person this has ever happened to. You feel as if no one else in the world has lost a child.  Usually, people come out of the wood work and share their own stories of loss and you begin to see, you are not alone. Sadly, many others have lost children too. Why is it that no one speaks of these losses? Our society doesn't take well to the loss of children. The whole idea that a tiny innocent child can pass on, is too much for many to think about. They encourage those grieving to keep it private. Others are just so insensitive, a grief stricken parent cannot bear to hear the hurtful things they might say, so they remain silent. Allowing yourself to remain isolated allows the sadness to overwhelm you. It pulls you down to a hopeless place, none of our children would ever want us to be. As a parent new to grief, you just don't realize there are others out there who know the depth of your pain. Grieving the loss of your child is a very difficult thing to do. The pain is debilitating. However, if you can find other grieving parents, you can realize all your feeling are normal. Grief has no end point. The only solice, is if you allow yourself to grieve, you can find a peaceful place.  Peace is a wonderful thing, it allows you to think of your child with a smile rather than a tear. Peace allows you to do things to honor yourself and your child. Peace can give you the courage to continue living your life, even though your child cannot.

Triggers of Grief

Its funny how small things can cause your grief to surge. Something you might encounter everyday, the weather, time of year, a song. It can set you back to a very painful part of your grief. In a few weeks it will be 6 years since we lost our first son Derek. 6 years is a long time to be without a person you love, especially a child. It might as well be 600 years. Every year since, the beginning of spring is a time of mixed emotions. Happy to have nice weather. Sad to know another year is passing.  The buds on the trees and the soon to be blooming flowers brings me right back to the days before Derek's birth. The anticipation, the excitement, the wanting to share with him this life. It also brings back the desperation and sadness of losing him. The utter betrayal of the world moving on as if he never existed. I remember feeling like every new blossom was a knife to the heart. Every sunny day another drop in the bucket of an already overflowing bucket of tears. So now every spring, so many thing bring me right back to the most sadness I ever have and ever will feel. After all this time I now come to expect it and almost welcome it. It strengthens my connection to him. When I was newer to grief, it felt like I was reliving it, it would take the whole month to get back to a place of peace.
 Triggers are part of a grieving life. And although they might seem like torture, they are little reminders that our love is so great. Remembering that those triggers are helpful in teaching us how to cope with our loss. They teach us a bad minute, or hour or day need not start you from square one again. It teaches us not to fear the sadness, but embrace it and let it pass through us. It is not forever, the tears and sadness will stop, usually quicker than the last surge. Grief is not something to be afraid of, it shows that we are loving compassionate people. It shows we care about others and ourselves.
In the almost 6 years since our son has passed and the countless times I have cried for him, never once have I felt guilty that I cry for him. He was and is my son, created in love and mourned so dearly.




http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Deal-with-Grief-Triggers-Long-After-the-Death-of-a-Loved-One&id=890551


http://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/cp2/ideasteens/teens_triggers.shtml

Why

Why did this happen to us? Why did our baby have to die? When we lose a child, there are a million questions with no answers. Sometimes we might get a medical reason for our loss, sometimes not. Whether there is a medical explanation or not, the question, why, is still there. As our mind tries to figure how to deal with our loss, why, becomes one of the top unanswerable questions. Will there ever be answer that could satisfy the, why? Probably not. We could choose to blame ourselves and criticize every decision we made during the pregnancy, but that would not bring our children back and would most likely lead to more anguish. It can be helpful to think of what to do with it instead. As we have been deprived of parenting our child, it can help to do something for our child to honor their memory and continue their influence on our life. Knowing they did not die in vain, knowing that their life, however brief, made a difference to the people around them is profound. We have been changed forever by that tiny little life, to continue on in a fashion that would make them proud of us as their parents, is to continue their legacy. Sadly, their lives may not seem very significant, to the outside world. But we know the truth, these tiny babies accomplished in a small about of time, what others need a lifetime to accomplish. They have touched our hearts and left a very large mark on us. 
We are lucky and proud to be their parents.

March 3, 2010 Meeting update

 At our meeting we discussed difficult situations we might come into as bereaved parents and how self preservation can help us manage these times. Seeing a new baby, commitments others try to put on us and anything we might not feel comfortable doing can be more difficult as a bereaved parent. We have less of a reserve to deal with such things and can be more emotionally drained by these things. At times when we feel more vulnerable, we need to be kind to ourselves first.
     When a friend or family member has a new baby they may want you to meet, it can be unnerving and sad. We would love to be showing off our own children. We would love to be holding our own children. Sometimes, others do not know how hard it can be to just see another baby. The pain and grief can be overwhelming, and it can bring up feelings that make our grief harder.  At our meetings we usually recommend self-preservation when it comes to any situation. If seeing babies is too hard, don't expose yourself for a while. Acknowledge your feelings, don't try to pretend or succumb to pressure to do something you know you are not ready to do. These feeling will not last forever, allow yourself time to process them.
  Sometimes friends and family members think parties and large gatherings will some how "cure" you of your sadness. If you must go to an event, be sure you have a way out if it gets to hard to be there. Drive yourself so you don't have to wait for someone else to bring you home. Don't let your car get blocked in, so if you need to leave quickly, you won't  have to involve others to move their cars. Not getting trapped any where can be all you need to have a successful outing. Knowing you can leave at a moments notice can make things more bearable.
  Sometimes it is unsupportive people that can set off more sadness. We expect our closest friends and family to be supportive of us during this unbearably difficult time. They sometimes let us down. Self-preservation in these types of situations can mean, not spending time with a person that has been hurtful or unsupportive. We are going through too much pain to worry about insignificant details that others may deem important. We have lost our children. Everything else pales in comparison. Someone who has not lost a child may be unable to understand our new found priorities and might be resentful. To be kind to yourself is to be true to your grief and not pretend you care about something you do not.
   When you are new to grief, it can seem like the world conspires to hurt you more. You are raw with grief. As you allow yourself to grieve, over time, you become more comfortable with the new you. You may not be as affected by new babies, parties and unsupportive people. The important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself first. We have all suffered a great injustice, losing a child, do not make the rest of your life any more difficult than it has to be.

Baby Showers

Dear Expecting Friend,
  Please do not get angry or upset. I will not be attending your baby shower.  I cannot bear to see the tiny baby things you are opening. Things my baby never got to wear. Things I have had to pack away. Please don't tell me everyone wants to see me. I cannot face all the happy people when I am so sad. I cannot put a smile on my face when inside I am crying. Please do not judge me. You do not know what you would do if you lost your child. You do not know how hard it is. Please do not use our friendship to make me feel guilty. I need supportive friends to help me with this and help me grieve. Please do not tell me I have changed. I know I have changed. I long to be the happy person I once was, I will never be that person again and it will take time for me to learn how to find happiness again. Please patient and kind with me.

    

   I have lost my baby. My hopes and my future died with them. I am lost and I am trying to find myself again. I wish you all the best for your baby, I wish you get to live all the hopes and dreams that have been taken from me. But I will not be attending.

          

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/babyshower.htm

http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/pailsofhope/Q-bsinvites.htm

http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/index.cgi?view_records=1&Category=Miscarriage&ID=53

Feb 17, 2010 Meeting Update

At our meeting last night we discussed the time we spent with our children. Although, too short, these memories are burned into our minds. Every detail of our children or the time that led up to losing our children are crystal clear. We also discussed, how hard it can be to think about holding our children and taking pictures when we were all in such shock. Although at the time, I never thought of holding my son until it was suggested. It was such a gift, to have someone there to tell us to hold our baby when the worst had happened. I don't know what I would do without those memories. There are no other memories I hold so dear.  Even though the pain is so deep, I wouldn't trade it. Without this pain, I never would have known my sweet boy.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/182572/output/print


http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Trying Again

The decision to try to conceive again after a loss is one of the hardest and scariest decisions you will ever have to make. Heavy in our minds and hearts are our angels and the possibility of facing another loss. However you decide to add to your family, whether it be another pregnancy or an adoption, waiting will be part of it. It's that time with you thoughts that can be so painful and scary. During another pregnancy, you keep waiting for something to go wrong. You will keep waiting for a doctor to tell you there is no heartbeat or your baby has a lethal diagnosis. It's maddening, truly. There are days the grief is so overwhelming you don't think you can go on. It's those days when your angel will be there for you. When no one else can understand why you are not thinking positively or hopeful, your angel will be there. It's so important to hold on to whatever you can to get through another pregnancy minute by minute. The same holds true for adoption. Even though it may seem easier to adopt, and not go through the insanity of another pregnancy, there is still anxiety and fear. During another pregnancy, at the very least the baby is with you and you have a bit more control over the day to day. If you feel a strange symptom, you can go to the doctor for reassurance. During the adoption process you are at the mercy of others. The adoption agency, the schedule and forms, the country, all along the way, you are waiting for others to do their job and help you. A pregnancy cannot last longer than 42 weeks, at max. Many times after a loss, you will not have to wait 42 weeks, the doctors will want your baby out almost as much as you do to ensure their safety. An adoption can last a year or more depending on so may factors, that are out of your hands. The plus, you will be given a live child. A pregnancy may not have those same results. Even though the odds are in your favor.
  It is important during both, to realize, you are both your best and worst ally. To survive the almost unbearable wait, you must use coping skills to keep your sanity. Remember,  you have a reason to be scared. Sometimes the simple admission of that fact can help you. We fight so hard against the sadness and fear. Sometimes embracing it, as our own reality can add a level of comfort. Reminding yourself of the facts at that moment can help too. When your mind and fears are spiraling out of control, stopping to assess what is happening at that exact minute can help lessen the fear. Is your baby okay right then and there? Have you done everything you can do up to that point? Have you spoken to your adoption agency and submitted all the paperwork you are responsible for?
   Truly adding to your family after a loss or losses will test you in ways you didn't think possible. It will bring you to the brink of sanity. If you can survive it though, you will have the greatest gift in the world, a child. You also will take with you the knowledge you have survived the worst and live to tell about it.


http://miscarriage.about.com/od/tryingagainafterloss/Trying_to_Conceive_After_Miscarriage_Pregnancy_Loss.htm

http://www.babyzone.com/preconception/getting_pregnant/article/conceive-after-stillbirth

http://blightedovum.kokopuff.net/trying.html

http://www.multiplebirthsfamilies.com/articles/ber_q2.html