First Trimester Loss

Pregnancy loss at any stage is hard. I think the loss of a pregnancy during the first trimester can be the hardest. In most cases, you have nothing, no photo, no ultrasound, no urn, no grave site to tend. Most doctors do not do any testing to determine cause after a single loss. Many people say it's common and to just get over it and try again. There is literally no one to turn to. It is tragic, on top of losing your precious child, you have also lost the right to grieve.
There are many things that may help after a first trimester loss. Naming your child can be extremely helpful. No matter how long your pregnancy lasted, this was still your baby. A name can help you make a real connection with your child. A name makes your child real, it was not a group of cells, it was not a tiny embryo or a fetus, it was your baby. Over the years I have met many parents who have named children they never got to see or touch. Children that may otherwise have been forgotten.
Another way to help grieve for your child is to make a donation in your child name or in your family name to a foundation for children or a needy family with a child close in age to your baby. The gift of giving can go a great distance to help your heart find peace again.
Sometimes a piece of jewelry can be helpful. There are many types of memorial jewelry to be found that can help as a physical reminder of your loss. A locket, angel pin or pendant or a bracelet can be a tangible reminder of your loss and your love.
Your love for your child starts well before the birth. Your love starts before conception. Your love started when you first thought about starting a family. How can you be expected to just turn your back on a child created in love, even though the child has passed away?

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/comments.htm

http://pregnancyloss.info/

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/rememberingyourbaby/tp/miscmemorials.htm

Relationship Issues

I recently read an article that said a large number of marriages having experienced the loss of a child fail. It really made me angry and sad. Sad for these marriages now facing the additional loss of their family, but angry because that does not have to be the case. I truly blame our society. We live in a society that does not allow bereaved parents to grieve. We are expected to put on an happy face and just move on, when inside we are dying. We aren't allowed to talk about our children, cry for our children, truly mourn the greatest loss of our life. It is insanity. How can a marriage expect to survive under that cover? How can a person survive? What we need is understanding, we need to be able to express our sadness in our own way. We need the acknowledgement that our children were and are an important part of our lives. We need the acceptance of the new people we have become after the loss of our child. All of these things could take the pressure off of our shoulders as we learn to live without our children instead of adding more stress to our lives.
 Now, sadly, there are marriages that cannot survive the loss of a child, but there are also marriages made stronger in spite of their loss. Of the ones I have seen, the greatest common factor is understanding. I think when a couple understands that the other partner is grieving in their own way, it can take a bit of pressure off the marriage. There will be times when you will grieve together as a couple, particularly when you are newly bereaved. In the beginning, you are both so raw. As a little time passes, people start to get more comfortable with their way of grieving. If we can respect that difference, we can reduce some of the conflict that might arise. Also if we can come together, and realize our common ground is our undying love for our children, we can team up against a society that does not recognize our babies.


http://www.thelaboroflove.com/forum/loss/bereavedmoms.html

http://marriage.about.com/cs/parenting/a/unthinkgrief.htm

http://www.erichad.com/marriage.htm

Walk to Remember

Every year we do this event to honor our children. We are looking for suggestions to better this memorial. If you have any suggestions at all,  please let us know.

Anger

Anger is a very complicated feeling for the bereaved parent. We are angry at ourselves....blaming ourselves  for things we think we could have done differently. Anger at God.....wondering why he let something like this happen. Anger at others.....who say things they think comfort us but are actually very hurtful. Anger at the world for just going on like nothing happened. Anger is a burden that can be very hard to overcome. The anger can consume you. The loss of a child has no answer, it is impossible to reason out.  It is unlike any other grief.  If we allow the anger to take hold, we can hinder our healing, we can hinder our ability to find peace. I have always tried to think of what my son would have wanted when feelings of anger sneak in. I try to think about how, Derek would not have wanted me to be angry and miserable. He would want me to be happy. Sometimes that is all it takes to bring myself back. Other times when the anger has more of a hold. It can be helpful to let it out. Give yourself five or ten minutes to let it out, yell, scream, cry, throw something, punch a pillow, get it out of your head and heart. Then take a few breaths and regroup, try to figure out what triggered your more extreme anger and think of ways to handle it the next time it hits.  For me, the important thing is to realize is anger is part of my grief. I have to be mindful of it and not allow it to bring me down or set me back.


http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcsurvivingemotionally.html

http://www.wdxcyber.com/nmood07.htm

Fear

After the loss of a pregnancy, your dream of becoming a parent has been shattered.  After the dust settles, and you begin to think about trying again, you hit a wall of fear. The fear of not being able to get pregnant  again. The fear of getting pregnant and the same thing happening again. The fear of getting pregnant and something different happening. The fear can be totally irrational and all consuming, but because you have lost a child, you know, what you fear can be a reality.  Fear is normal, we have experienced the worst thing to ever happen. When you have experienced heartbreak of that magnitude, it has lasting effects. Others try to be helpful and tell us to "think positively" and "be hopeful", but that is not easy. Taking it day by day, sometimes minute by minute is how I did it.  During my two subsequent pregnancies, there were days I didn't think I would make it. I didn't think I had the strength. Looking back now, I realize, the strength of a bereaved parent is almost infinite. We live. There is nothing harder to do than live while our children do not. We hardly ever give ourselves that credit. Everyday we climb the mountain of life after the loss of a child.  We owe it to ourselves and to our precious children to pursue our dream of parenthood. Our children are our most precious treasure and I truly believe they would want us to live life just as if they had been able to live with us.

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/tryingagainafterloss/tp/decidingwhentotryagain.htm

http://www.sidelines.org/

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/ttc-pregnancy-birth/

More Support Websites

Here are a few more website that have been of some help to myself and others. I would encourage searching yourself, with the advice to include "support" in the search engine. There are a lot of sites out there, many of which may be to sad or too shocking. Sticking with some of the bigger more well known sites might steer you in a more helpful direction.

www.earlyangels.com

www.bornangels.com/

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a15155/miscarriage_stillbirth_infant_loss

http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?folderId=1&listMode=13&nav=messages&webtag=ab-miscarriage

Support Groups

One of the best ways to deal with the grief of losing a child is to speak with other bereaved parents. Only another bereaved parent can truly understand what life is like without your child. Going to local support group meetings can be a way to minimize the isolated feeling sometimes felt. It can also be a great way to create a supportive network for yourself to share the difficult feelings and  emotions. We sometimes keep our feelings and thoughts hidden from our other friends and family, for fear they will make hurtful statements or think we are going crazy. Sometimes a local support groups might not work because of other obligations. This is where online support can come in. Many bereaved parents reach out online as a way to cope with their grief. There are tons of very helpful groups that can be found after a bit of looking. Below are just five of thousands. There is help our there in so many forms....You are not alone.


http://www.missfoundation.org/forums/

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

http://babylossandhealing.com/forums/

http://hygeiafoundation.org/form1.htm

http://www.inciid.org/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=29