How to Respond

This is the list  I've been looking for, for the 6 years I've been living as a bereaved parent. Many times people say thing that are hurtful or just not helpful and we have know idea how to respond. Sometimes it's just too much to think of a response. Later on I usually think of something to say, but the moment has passed. This will be particularly helpful to the newly bereaved, it can arm you with answers to questions and ways to stop insensitive remarks by well meaning friends and family.

http://www.bereavedparents.com/index.php/grief-topics/50-howtorespond

Special Days

Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, date of death... these are the days bereaved parents dread.  We wait for them, and they mark the passing of another year without our beloved children. They are the days when your grief can surge and spill over. As if we need anything else to stress ourselves when dealing with life without our children, these days can be very stressful. We stress over who will remember and who will forget. We stress over what to do to honor our children. We stress over all the mundane activities we are still slaves to, even though we'd rather they all disappear at least for one day. April 19 marked our son Derek's 6th birthday. Every year we "celebrate" with a cake and sing happy birthday. It is so bittersweet. On one hand I love to sing happy birthday to our angel, on the other hand, I'd rather be singing to a living child. Hearing our other children sing happy birthday to their brother makes me cry, every time. Over the years I have heard of many things that can help commemorate the passing of another year. Planting a garden can be helpful and fun. Growing something that comes back year after year can really help ease the pain of not mothering a child. As each year passes, adding new plants can really make a beautiful memorial to your child. Some parents plant trees, watching it grow each year for your child. Having a balloon release is another suggestion. Sending a balloon up to your angel can be a nice thing to do, especially when you have other children.  We always spend Derek's birthday outside. The fresh air and sunshine make it very hard to be depressed and sad. I always think of it, as if he were living. If we had a living 6 year old, he's most likely want to be playing outside on his birthday. It's also important to remember, there is no right or wrong way to celebrate a special day. What works this year may or may not work next year. It's more important to do something that brings you peace at this emotional time.

http://www.alovingjourney.org/angelversary.htm

Isolation

Being a bereaved parent is a very lonely experience. When you are new to grief, it feels as if you are the only person this has ever happened to. You feel as if no one else in the world has lost a child.  Usually, people come out of the wood work and share their own stories of loss and you begin to see, you are not alone. Sadly, many others have lost children too. Why is it that no one speaks of these losses? Our society doesn't take well to the loss of children. The whole idea that a tiny innocent child can pass on, is too much for many to think about. They encourage those grieving to keep it private. Others are just so insensitive, a grief stricken parent cannot bear to hear the hurtful things they might say, so they remain silent. Allowing yourself to remain isolated allows the sadness to overwhelm you. It pulls you down to a hopeless place, none of our children would ever want us to be. As a parent new to grief, you just don't realize there are others out there who know the depth of your pain. Grieving the loss of your child is a very difficult thing to do. The pain is debilitating. However, if you can find other grieving parents, you can realize all your feeling are normal. Grief has no end point. The only solice, is if you allow yourself to grieve, you can find a peaceful place.  Peace is a wonderful thing, it allows you to think of your child with a smile rather than a tear. Peace allows you to do things to honor yourself and your child. Peace can give you the courage to continue living your life, even though your child cannot.

Triggers of Grief

Its funny how small things can cause your grief to surge. Something you might encounter everyday, the weather, time of year, a song. It can set you back to a very painful part of your grief. In a few weeks it will be 6 years since we lost our first son Derek. 6 years is a long time to be without a person you love, especially a child. It might as well be 600 years. Every year since, the beginning of spring is a time of mixed emotions. Happy to have nice weather. Sad to know another year is passing.  The buds on the trees and the soon to be blooming flowers brings me right back to the days before Derek's birth. The anticipation, the excitement, the wanting to share with him this life. It also brings back the desperation and sadness of losing him. The utter betrayal of the world moving on as if he never existed. I remember feeling like every new blossom was a knife to the heart. Every sunny day another drop in the bucket of an already overflowing bucket of tears. So now every spring, so many thing bring me right back to the most sadness I ever have and ever will feel. After all this time I now come to expect it and almost welcome it. It strengthens my connection to him. When I was newer to grief, it felt like I was reliving it, it would take the whole month to get back to a place of peace.
 Triggers are part of a grieving life. And although they might seem like torture, they are little reminders that our love is so great. Remembering that those triggers are helpful in teaching us how to cope with our loss. They teach us a bad minute, or hour or day need not start you from square one again. It teaches us not to fear the sadness, but embrace it and let it pass through us. It is not forever, the tears and sadness will stop, usually quicker than the last surge. Grief is not something to be afraid of, it shows that we are loving compassionate people. It shows we care about others and ourselves.
In the almost 6 years since our son has passed and the countless times I have cried for him, never once have I felt guilty that I cry for him. He was and is my son, created in love and mourned so dearly.




http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Deal-with-Grief-Triggers-Long-After-the-Death-of-a-Loved-One&id=890551


http://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/cp2/ideasteens/teens_triggers.shtml