Baby Showers

Dear Expecting Friend,
  Please do not get angry or upset. I will not be attending your baby shower.  I cannot bear to see the tiny baby things you are opening. Things my baby never got to wear. Things I have had to pack away. Please don't tell me everyone wants to see me. I cannot face all the happy people when I am so sad. I cannot put a smile on my face when inside I am crying. Please do not judge me. You do not know what you would do if you lost your child. You do not know how hard it is. Please do not use our friendship to make me feel guilty. I need supportive friends to help me with this and help me grieve. Please do not tell me I have changed. I know I have changed. I long to be the happy person I once was, I will never be that person again and it will take time for me to learn how to find happiness again. Please patient and kind with me.

    

   I have lost my baby. My hopes and my future died with them. I am lost and I am trying to find myself again. I wish you all the best for your baby, I wish you get to live all the hopes and dreams that have been taken from me. But I will not be attending.

          

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/babyshower.htm

http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/pailsofhope/Q-bsinvites.htm

http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/index.cgi?view_records=1&Category=Miscarriage&ID=53

Feb 17, 2010 Meeting Update

At our meeting last night we discussed the time we spent with our children. Although, too short, these memories are burned into our minds. Every detail of our children or the time that led up to losing our children are crystal clear. We also discussed, how hard it can be to think about holding our children and taking pictures when we were all in such shock. Although at the time, I never thought of holding my son until it was suggested. It was such a gift, to have someone there to tell us to hold our baby when the worst had happened. I don't know what I would do without those memories. There are no other memories I hold so dear.  Even though the pain is so deep, I wouldn't trade it. Without this pain, I never would have known my sweet boy.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/182572/output/print


http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Trying Again

The decision to try to conceive again after a loss is one of the hardest and scariest decisions you will ever have to make. Heavy in our minds and hearts are our angels and the possibility of facing another loss. However you decide to add to your family, whether it be another pregnancy or an adoption, waiting will be part of it. It's that time with you thoughts that can be so painful and scary. During another pregnancy, you keep waiting for something to go wrong. You will keep waiting for a doctor to tell you there is no heartbeat or your baby has a lethal diagnosis. It's maddening, truly. There are days the grief is so overwhelming you don't think you can go on. It's those days when your angel will be there for you. When no one else can understand why you are not thinking positively or hopeful, your angel will be there. It's so important to hold on to whatever you can to get through another pregnancy minute by minute. The same holds true for adoption. Even though it may seem easier to adopt, and not go through the insanity of another pregnancy, there is still anxiety and fear. During another pregnancy, at the very least the baby is with you and you have a bit more control over the day to day. If you feel a strange symptom, you can go to the doctor for reassurance. During the adoption process you are at the mercy of others. The adoption agency, the schedule and forms, the country, all along the way, you are waiting for others to do their job and help you. A pregnancy cannot last longer than 42 weeks, at max. Many times after a loss, you will not have to wait 42 weeks, the doctors will want your baby out almost as much as you do to ensure their safety. An adoption can last a year or more depending on so may factors, that are out of your hands. The plus, you will be given a live child. A pregnancy may not have those same results. Even though the odds are in your favor.
  It is important during both, to realize, you are both your best and worst ally. To survive the almost unbearable wait, you must use coping skills to keep your sanity. Remember,  you have a reason to be scared. Sometimes the simple admission of that fact can help you. We fight so hard against the sadness and fear. Sometimes embracing it, as our own reality can add a level of comfort. Reminding yourself of the facts at that moment can help too. When your mind and fears are spiraling out of control, stopping to assess what is happening at that exact minute can help lessen the fear. Is your baby okay right then and there? Have you done everything you can do up to that point? Have you spoken to your adoption agency and submitted all the paperwork you are responsible for?
   Truly adding to your family after a loss or losses will test you in ways you didn't think possible. It will bring you to the brink of sanity. If you can survive it though, you will have the greatest gift in the world, a child. You also will take with you the knowledge you have survived the worst and live to tell about it.


http://miscarriage.about.com/od/tryingagainafterloss/Trying_to_Conceive_After_Miscarriage_Pregnancy_Loss.htm

http://www.babyzone.com/preconception/getting_pregnant/article/conceive-after-stillbirth

http://blightedovum.kokopuff.net/trying.html

http://www.multiplebirthsfamilies.com/articles/ber_q2.html