Thankful

Thanksgiving can be a very hard holiday to cope with as a bereaved parent. The rest of the world is expressing their thanks for all of their family, loved ones etc. As a bereaved parent, our thankful list can feel short or even non existent. It can be very hard to come up with a reason to be thankful when there is so much pain and loss. The pain of losing the most important dream of your life, the pain of losing friends and family who do not understand the depth of your grief. The loss of who we were before we lost our children.
Even though, I am without my beloved son, this and every Thanksgiving for the last seven years, I am thankful. I am thankful for the very short time we had with him. I am Thankful for the hopes and dreams I had while I carried him, they are the "memories" of his life for me. I am thankful for the angel of mercy who took my hand when he died and taught us how to live again. I am thankful for the other bereaved parents I have met along the way. Without them, I would not have had the strenth to go on myself. I hope I have helped them too. I am thankful for who I am now, because we went to hell and back, we can survive anything.
When it is difficult to find reasons to give thanks, be kind to yourself. Remind others to be kind to you too. You have suffered the greatest of all losses, it changes you, it changes everything. You will find reasons to give thanks again. This year, give thanks for your strength, and your courage to go on. Give thanks for the love you have for your child and the love they have for you.


http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/Articles/A_FORGIVING_THANKSGIVING.pdf

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/Articles/PREPARING_FOR_THANKSGIVING.pdf

http://www.bpmarion.org/HTML/ArticlesThanksGive.htm

Why I chose a support group

        April, 19, 2004, The day my son died. It will always be the worst day of my life. We went from, being expectant parents to being bereaved parents in the course of a few hours. Instead of making baptismal arrangements we were making funeral arrangements. It was literally the end and beginning of my life. The end of the life I had led, the life I had known for 29 years. The life I was comfortable with. The life I loved. For a while I thought it was the end of my happiness, hope, faith and future too. Part of me died with Derek. Then I went to a support group. Specifically, this support group, HANDS.
      The first meeting was really hard. I sobbed as I told the story of my son's birth and death. I sobbed as I listened to the other parents stories, but, I learned I was not alone. I learned that sadly, the death of a baby happens far to often. As I continued to go to the meetings, I became more comfortable with the story...my story. I found everything I was feeling was normal and there was no pressure for me to get over it. I found the rest of the world did not and would never get it. There is no time line, there is no "end" to the grief I felt and still feel. But, I  learned if I worked really hard to release my grief, I could find my footing in this world again. I could find peace. I found comfort in strangers, that became friends, that became family. I learned that I could move forward and still bring my son Derek with us. I learned I could rebuild my life and embrace who I am now.  Now, seven years later, I am thankful for the courage I had to step into that room full of strangers. I am thankful to those who comforted me and am hopeful that I can comfort others. Joining the HANDS support group gave me a life back, it saved my life, my marriage and my future.
Being a bereaved parent is a secret club, a very sad secret club. We owe it to ourselves to band together, to support and love each other. We are the only ones who will ever know the depth of the grief and longing after a child has died. We need to embrace our fellow bereaved parents and help lead them to the road of peace without forgetting our children.


http://alivehospice.org/blog/2011/08/18/10-good-reasons-to-join-a-grief-support-group/

http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Walk to Remember

Please join us for our annual
Walk to Remember
Sunday October 2, 2011 1:00pm
Waryas Park, Poughkeepsie NY 12601

Dads

I have noticed over the years, there are very few resources for the Dads. I find that particularly awful. Dads are the unsung heroes, they usually hold it all together and rarely show their grief. They answer endless questions about how the Mom is doing, they field phone calls, and try their best to care for the Moms. But inside they are just as heartbroken as we are. They lost their baby too. Somehow, the outside world doesn't acknowledge that. Some Dads like to grieve privately or seem to keep it all inside, but I think they too would like to be asked how they are handling it all.
 Recently I have found some new sites for Dad by Dads. It is so important for a Dad to know they are not alone, somewhere there is another Dad feeling the same way, missing their child. As with Moms, it is important and reassuring to know another person has felt as you have. Dads need just as much love and support as Moms, even if they don't outwardly show it.

http://fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/

http://grievingdads.wordpress.com/

http://www.dazeddad.com/

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/

http://irishdad.wordpress.com/

Ceremony of Remembrance

Please save the date

Saturday May 7th 2011

10am-12noon

Ceremony of Remembrance



This is a beautiful ceremony where we can honor our children and ourselves as their parents

Please contact the Perinatal Bereavement Office  (845)483-6683 at Vassar Brothers Medical Center for more info and to RSVP.

Before and After

The link at the bottom of this post is very interesting. It is about the before and after of a loss. Before we lost our son, we were pretty regular people. We didn't focus on the sad things we focused on the happy. We were our own fair weather friends. After our loss, I realized fair weather friends are a waste, a tease if you will. I thought they would be around when we lost our son. They were not. I have found, it is easy to be around for happy times, but far more meaningful to be around during the sad and hard times. I have learned that even the smallest effort makes a huge impact when you are going through a difficult time.....especially the loss of a child. It has taught me to go the extra distance, make an extra effort to comfort someone going through a loss. It makes all the difference in the world.


http://onlyangelsmakethelist.blogspot.com/2011/02/what-you-should-know-about-us.html

Other peoples issues

When you lose a child, you become painfully aware that other people's problems are so petty. Nothing can compare to the loss of a child.  Then, as you are grieving the loss of your beloved baby, you are stuck having to listen to nonsense. Most other people just don't get it... After one...maybe two months have passed, most people feel your grief should be winding down. They feel they can again approach you with their petty issues and problems. Or, tell you how you are acting too depressed, too weepy, might need medication etc. You as the bereaved parent are then stuck thinking about telling them the truth about their lack of support, lack of empathy, lack of common sense. Another friend in grief gave me the idea to "write a letter" to someone who was showing lack of support and really tell them how I felt. I mean REALLY tell them how I felt.  Then rip up the letter. It was very helpful, especially to write a letter to someone I knew would never get it and who it would be a waste of my energy trying to share with. It was so helpful to get the anger and resentment out of my head and heart.
The truth is, unless someone has lost a child, they can never truly understand the depth of your loss. A blessed few can be supportive and helpful. The rest..... not so much.

I stumbled across this post from another blogger and it really sums up how I felt and often times still feel six and a half years later.
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2011/1/17/correspondence.html

HANDS Meeting Cancellation 1/12/11

Our HANDS support group meeting scheduled for Janurary 12, 2011 has been cancelled due to a state of emergency in Dutchess County. Please do not venture out during the storm. We will be back next week at our usual time and place.