Why did this happen to us? Why did our baby have to die? When we lose a child, there are a million questions with no answers. Sometimes we might get a medical reason for our loss, sometimes not. Whether there is a medical explanation or not, the question, why, is still there. As our mind tries to figure how to deal with our loss, why, becomes one of the top unanswerable questions. Will there ever be answer that could satisfy the, why? Probably not. We could choose to blame ourselves and criticize every decision we made during the pregnancy, but that would not bring our children back and would most likely lead to more anguish. It can be helpful to think of what to do with it instead. As we have been deprived of parenting our child, it can help to do something for our child to honor their memory and continue their influence on our life. Knowing they did not die in vain, knowing that their life, however brief, made a difference to the people around them is profound. We have been changed forever by that tiny little life, to continue on in a fashion that would make them proud of us as their parents, is to continue their legacy. Sadly, their lives may not seem very significant, to the outside world. But we know the truth, these tiny babies accomplished in a small about of time, what others need a lifetime to accomplish. They have touched our hearts and left a very large mark on us.
We are lucky and proud to be their parents.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
March 3, 2010 Meeting update
At our meeting we discussed difficult situations we might come into as bereaved parents and how self preservation can help us manage these times. Seeing a new baby, commitments others try to put on us and anything we might not feel comfortable doing can be more difficult as a bereaved parent. We have less of a reserve to deal with such things and can be more emotionally drained by these things. At times when we feel more vulnerable, we need to be kind to ourselves first.
When a friend or family member has a new baby they may want you to meet, it can be unnerving and sad. We would love to be showing off our own children. We would love to be holding our own children. Sometimes, others do not know how hard it can be to just see another baby. The pain and grief can be overwhelming, and it can bring up feelings that make our grief harder. At our meetings we usually recommend self-preservation when it comes to any situation. If seeing babies is too hard, don't expose yourself for a while. Acknowledge your feelings, don't try to pretend or succumb to pressure to do something you know you are not ready to do. These feeling will not last forever, allow yourself time to process them.
Sometimes friends and family members think parties and large gatherings will some how "cure" you of your sadness. If you must go to an event, be sure you have a way out if it gets to hard to be there. Drive yourself so you don't have to wait for someone else to bring you home. Don't let your car get blocked in, so if you need to leave quickly, you won't have to involve others to move their cars. Not getting trapped any where can be all you need to have a successful outing. Knowing you can leave at a moments notice can make things more bearable.
Sometimes it is unsupportive people that can set off more sadness. We expect our closest friends and family to be supportive of us during this unbearably difficult time. They sometimes let us down. Self-preservation in these types of situations can mean, not spending time with a person that has been hurtful or unsupportive. We are going through too much pain to worry about insignificant details that others may deem important. We have lost our children. Everything else pales in comparison. Someone who has not lost a child may be unable to understand our new found priorities and might be resentful. To be kind to yourself is to be true to your grief and not pretend you care about something you do not.
When you are new to grief, it can seem like the world conspires to hurt you more. You are raw with grief. As you allow yourself to grieve, over time, you become more comfortable with the new you. You may not be as affected by new babies, parties and unsupportive people. The important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself first. We have all suffered a great injustice, losing a child, do not make the rest of your life any more difficult than it has to be.
When a friend or family member has a new baby they may want you to meet, it can be unnerving and sad. We would love to be showing off our own children. We would love to be holding our own children. Sometimes, others do not know how hard it can be to just see another baby. The pain and grief can be overwhelming, and it can bring up feelings that make our grief harder. At our meetings we usually recommend self-preservation when it comes to any situation. If seeing babies is too hard, don't expose yourself for a while. Acknowledge your feelings, don't try to pretend or succumb to pressure to do something you know you are not ready to do. These feeling will not last forever, allow yourself time to process them.
Sometimes friends and family members think parties and large gatherings will some how "cure" you of your sadness. If you must go to an event, be sure you have a way out if it gets to hard to be there. Drive yourself so you don't have to wait for someone else to bring you home. Don't let your car get blocked in, so if you need to leave quickly, you won't have to involve others to move their cars. Not getting trapped any where can be all you need to have a successful outing. Knowing you can leave at a moments notice can make things more bearable.
Sometimes it is unsupportive people that can set off more sadness. We expect our closest friends and family to be supportive of us during this unbearably difficult time. They sometimes let us down. Self-preservation in these types of situations can mean, not spending time with a person that has been hurtful or unsupportive. We are going through too much pain to worry about insignificant details that others may deem important. We have lost our children. Everything else pales in comparison. Someone who has not lost a child may be unable to understand our new found priorities and might be resentful. To be kind to yourself is to be true to your grief and not pretend you care about something you do not.
When you are new to grief, it can seem like the world conspires to hurt you more. You are raw with grief. As you allow yourself to grieve, over time, you become more comfortable with the new you. You may not be as affected by new babies, parties and unsupportive people. The important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself first. We have all suffered a great injustice, losing a child, do not make the rest of your life any more difficult than it has to be.
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