Holidays

The holidays are the hardest time of the year, second only to anniversaries. Something about it being the "happiest" season, makes it harder without your beloved child. All the should have beens can be almost too much to bear as well as all the "thankful" "joyful' and "blessed" tidings. Not that we are ungrateful for the time spent with our children, it's just very difficult to feel "thankful" when we miss them so much. I try to post as many resources as possible during this time, every bit helps

http://stillstandingmag.com/2012/11/tis-the-season-the-gift-of-grace/

http://smallbirdstudios.com/sisterhood-of-loss-support/

http://facesofloss.com/

Sibling grief

Some of the most over looked grievers are the siblings of our beloved babies. Whether they were expecting a little brother or sister, or are babies born after the loss of a baby, they too experience loss. It can be hard as parents to explain what happened or we may want to protect them from grief. Either way, they need support too. Children are very resilient, but they way they learn how to grieve is through the examples they are shown by us. Thankfully and sadly, there are many authors who have written on the loss of a sibling in a way children can understand. i have added links for just a few, but they are good and can help start a dialog.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0972424113/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=stillstandingmag-20&linkCode=am2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0972424113

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/1561230413/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=stillstandingmag-20&linkCode=am2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1561230413

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0875167349/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=stillstandingmag-20&linkCode=am2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0875167349

Important

This link is very important. Currently the mental health "powers that be" are trying to define "normal" grieving as a two week period, after the loss of a loved one. After that, they will be able to diagnose the grieving individual as suffering a major depressive episode. This is insanity...plain and simple. Grief has no time limit.
  It took us a full year to emerge from the initial shock and rawness of the loss of our son. I have known others who it has taken even longer. Does this mean we are depressed?  Does this mean we need medication? No. It means we loved our children with every cell in our being. It means we are attempting to rebuild our lives, reinvent who we are, emerge from the ashes of our old life.
   It pains me deeply to think of all the loving parents who may be forced to supress the grief they feel after the loss of their child in order to avoid a diagnosis that may follow them for the rest of their lives.

Thank you Joanne Cacciatore for once again fighting for the rights of the bereaved parents of the world and truly honoring your daughter in your work.

Please click on this link and share it with everyone you know. Let the world know that loving your child is not major depression.

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/03/relativity-applies-to-physics-not.html

Ceremony of Remembrance

Dear Parents,

We invite you and your family to participate in our sixth annual Ceremony of Remembrance to honor and remember your child.

The ceremony will be held on Saturday, May 19th at Vassar Brothers Medical Center in the Joseph Tower Auditorium from 10:00 am- 12:00 noon. The service will begin promptly at 10:00 am

There will be a sacred candle lighting ceremony and a time for special tributes to be followed by a luncheon.

We want all of our families to hear when their child’s names are called in the stillness of the moment. To respect the solemnity of the ceremony, we ask that if your child need to play or becomes active and needs additional space, that you please utilize our child-care opportunity near by the event.

Please RSVP by April 2nd by calling Ann Critelli at (845) 224-6470 or by email at acritelli@health-quest.org. Please provide me answers to the following questions. Your response will assist us in planning the program for you and your family.

1. Would you like your child’s name or family name called during our “name reading ceremony?”

2. Would you like to have a special poem read in memory of your child? If so, please send it to me by April 2nd.:

Ann Critelli - HANDS
Vassar Brothers Medical Center
45 Reade Place
Poughkeepsie, NY 12601.
Email - acritelli@health-quest.org

1. We will have a slide presentation. Would you like to have your child’s photo, ultrasound picture, or a special image displayed during our service? If so, please mail it to me at the above address or email it to me. All pictures will be returned after the service.

2. Are you planning on using the babysitting services for this event?

We are preparing to make this day very special. Returning to the place where you last embraced your child is difficult. However, our hope is this memorial service will be a time of continued healing and support as you remember with others the love you have for your child.

The Joseph Tower building is on the grounds of the Medical Center, next to the Dyson Cancer Center. Please proceed to the auditorium on the first floor.
Please park in the parking garage across from the Medical center. The gated lot in front of the Joseph Tower building will not be available for parking.

New Year

Happy New Year.

May this year bring you peace. May this year bring you forgiveness. May this year bring you understanding. Our Children may not be with us physically, but they are with us in our hearts and with us in everything we do, no amount of time will change that.


http://www.irisremembers.com/poemsandstories/viewPoem.cfm?poemID=143

http://nicholastouch.blogspot.com/2010/01/new-years-resolutions-for-bereaved.html

http://www.californiasids.com/UploadedFiles/ParentVersions/HolidayTips.pdf

Thankful

Thanksgiving can be a very hard holiday to cope with as a bereaved parent. The rest of the world is expressing their thanks for all of their family, loved ones etc. As a bereaved parent, our thankful list can feel short or even non existent. It can be very hard to come up with a reason to be thankful when there is so much pain and loss. The pain of losing the most important dream of your life, the pain of losing friends and family who do not understand the depth of your grief. The loss of who we were before we lost our children.
Even though, I am without my beloved son, this and every Thanksgiving for the last seven years, I am thankful. I am thankful for the very short time we had with him. I am Thankful for the hopes and dreams I had while I carried him, they are the "memories" of his life for me. I am thankful for the angel of mercy who took my hand when he died and taught us how to live again. I am thankful for the other bereaved parents I have met along the way. Without them, I would not have had the strenth to go on myself. I hope I have helped them too. I am thankful for who I am now, because we went to hell and back, we can survive anything.
When it is difficult to find reasons to give thanks, be kind to yourself. Remind others to be kind to you too. You have suffered the greatest of all losses, it changes you, it changes everything. You will find reasons to give thanks again. This year, give thanks for your strength, and your courage to go on. Give thanks for the love you have for your child and the love they have for you.


http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/Articles/A_FORGIVING_THANKSGIVING.pdf

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/Articles/PREPARING_FOR_THANKSGIVING.pdf

http://www.bpmarion.org/HTML/ArticlesThanksGive.htm

Why I chose a support group

        April, 19, 2004, The day my son died. It will always be the worst day of my life. We went from, being expectant parents to being bereaved parents in the course of a few hours. Instead of making baptismal arrangements we were making funeral arrangements. It was literally the end and beginning of my life. The end of the life I had led, the life I had known for 29 years. The life I was comfortable with. The life I loved. For a while I thought it was the end of my happiness, hope, faith and future too. Part of me died with Derek. Then I went to a support group. Specifically, this support group, HANDS.
      The first meeting was really hard. I sobbed as I told the story of my son's birth and death. I sobbed as I listened to the other parents stories, but, I learned I was not alone. I learned that sadly, the death of a baby happens far to often. As I continued to go to the meetings, I became more comfortable with the story...my story. I found everything I was feeling was normal and there was no pressure for me to get over it. I found the rest of the world did not and would never get it. There is no time line, there is no "end" to the grief I felt and still feel. But, I  learned if I worked really hard to release my grief, I could find my footing in this world again. I could find peace. I found comfort in strangers, that became friends, that became family. I learned that I could move forward and still bring my son Derek with us. I learned I could rebuild my life and embrace who I am now.  Now, seven years later, I am thankful for the courage I had to step into that room full of strangers. I am thankful to those who comforted me and am hopeful that I can comfort others. Joining the HANDS support group gave me a life back, it saved my life, my marriage and my future.
Being a bereaved parent is a secret club, a very sad secret club. We owe it to ourselves to band together, to support and love each other. We are the only ones who will ever know the depth of the grief and longing after a child has died. We need to embrace our fellow bereaved parents and help lead them to the road of peace without forgetting our children.


http://alivehospice.org/blog/2011/08/18/10-good-reasons-to-join-a-grief-support-group/

http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Walk to Remember

Please join us for our annual
Walk to Remember
Sunday October 2, 2011 1:00pm
Waryas Park, Poughkeepsie NY 12601

Dads

I have noticed over the years, there are very few resources for the Dads. I find that particularly awful. Dads are the unsung heroes, they usually hold it all together and rarely show their grief. They answer endless questions about how the Mom is doing, they field phone calls, and try their best to care for the Moms. But inside they are just as heartbroken as we are. They lost their baby too. Somehow, the outside world doesn't acknowledge that. Some Dads like to grieve privately or seem to keep it all inside, but I think they too would like to be asked how they are handling it all.
 Recently I have found some new sites for Dad by Dads. It is so important for a Dad to know they are not alone, somewhere there is another Dad feeling the same way, missing their child. As with Moms, it is important and reassuring to know another person has felt as you have. Dads need just as much love and support as Moms, even if they don't outwardly show it.

http://fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/

http://grievingdads.wordpress.com/

http://www.dazeddad.com/

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/

http://irishdad.wordpress.com/

Ceremony of Remembrance

Please save the date

Saturday May 7th 2011

10am-12noon

Ceremony of Remembrance



This is a beautiful ceremony where we can honor our children and ourselves as their parents

Please contact the Perinatal Bereavement Office  (845)483-6683 at Vassar Brothers Medical Center for more info and to RSVP.

Before and After

The link at the bottom of this post is very interesting. It is about the before and after of a loss. Before we lost our son, we were pretty regular people. We didn't focus on the sad things we focused on the happy. We were our own fair weather friends. After our loss, I realized fair weather friends are a waste, a tease if you will. I thought they would be around when we lost our son. They were not. I have found, it is easy to be around for happy times, but far more meaningful to be around during the sad and hard times. I have learned that even the smallest effort makes a huge impact when you are going through a difficult time.....especially the loss of a child. It has taught me to go the extra distance, make an extra effort to comfort someone going through a loss. It makes all the difference in the world.


http://onlyangelsmakethelist.blogspot.com/2011/02/what-you-should-know-about-us.html

Other peoples issues

When you lose a child, you become painfully aware that other people's problems are so petty. Nothing can compare to the loss of a child.  Then, as you are grieving the loss of your beloved baby, you are stuck having to listen to nonsense. Most other people just don't get it... After one...maybe two months have passed, most people feel your grief should be winding down. They feel they can again approach you with their petty issues and problems. Or, tell you how you are acting too depressed, too weepy, might need medication etc. You as the bereaved parent are then stuck thinking about telling them the truth about their lack of support, lack of empathy, lack of common sense. Another friend in grief gave me the idea to "write a letter" to someone who was showing lack of support and really tell them how I felt. I mean REALLY tell them how I felt.  Then rip up the letter. It was very helpful, especially to write a letter to someone I knew would never get it and who it would be a waste of my energy trying to share with. It was so helpful to get the anger and resentment out of my head and heart.
The truth is, unless someone has lost a child, they can never truly understand the depth of your loss. A blessed few can be supportive and helpful. The rest..... not so much.

I stumbled across this post from another blogger and it really sums up how I felt and often times still feel six and a half years later.
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2011/1/17/correspondence.html

HANDS Meeting Cancellation 1/12/11

Our HANDS support group meeting scheduled for Janurary 12, 2011 has been cancelled due to a state of emergency in Dutchess County. Please do not venture out during the storm. We will be back next week at our usual time and place.

Christmas Poems

These are just a few poem I've found for the holidays. The holidays can be so difficult as they are child centered. Please take comfort in memorializing you child during the holidays. Even the smallest gesture at this time of year can bring great peace.

Please have a peaceful holiday and New Year and remember our children are proud of us.

http://pilari.org/articles/baby-loss-christmas-poem.html

http://www.angelabode.com/holidayideas.html

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/holidays.htm

Local Memorial Events

There is a candle lighting event to memorialize children who has passed. 


RHINEBECK: Burnett & White Funeral Homes of Rhinebeck and Red Hook, in conjunction with the international group The Compassionate Friends, will sponsor the seventh annual candle-lighting ceremony for anyone in the Hudson Valley who would like to remember a child who has died. Those who wish to participate should go to Burnett & White Funeral Home, 91 E.Market St., Rhinebeck, at 6:45 p.m. Dec. 12. The lighting of candles will begin at 7 p.m., followed by the sharing of memories and fellowship. A remembrance table will be available and those who attend are encouraged to bring photographs and memorabilia to display, as well as letters, poems, music or favorite readings to share. For more information, call 845-876-3193 or 845-758-5042.

Getting Through the Holidays

I  found this calendar to help ease the bereaved parent through the holidays and I thought it was great. I wish I had something like this when I was newly bereaved and struggling though our first holidays without Derek. It gives some great suggestions on things to do throughout the season to memorialize our babies.

http://www.erichad.com/holidays/calendar.htm

Thanksgiving

Please be kind to yourself this Thanksgiving and Holiday Season. Don't feel you need to put on a show, or happy face for others. You are a grieving parent, allow yourself to grieve. The holidays are a difficult time when you are a bereaved parent. It's not fair, the world seems to be celebrating when you don't feel there is a reason to celebrate. Don't let others tell you what to do or how to grieve, every person is different. There is no right or wrong. Try to keep your holidays simple, especially if this is your first. First holidays can be particularly painful, try to surround yourself with those who have been supportive and helpful in your grief.  Remember your love for your child isn't any more or less on this or any day. Even though it may be hard, try to remember the most wonderful memories of your child or pregnancy. Be kind to yourself, give yourself the gift of time and patience.
I hope your Thanksgiving is peaceful, and that you can enjoy the memories of your beloved child.

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/Articles/PREPARING_FOR_THANKSGIVING.pdf

http://journeyfrommourning.blogspot.com/2010/11/forgiving-thanksgiving.html

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/Articles/THANKFULVERSUSTHANKLESS.pdf

http://www.bpmarion.org/HTML/HolidayHelp.htm

Local Memorial Celebration

On November 2, St. Columba Church in Hopewell Junction NY, has a memorial mass. It is a wonderful mass, I went last year and am looking forward to going again this year.

New Web Resources

I have recently discovered some great new websites to help the grieving parent. I'm thrilled to see a shift in the way people are dealing with grief as bereaved parents. No longer are parents hiding their grief and keeping silent about their children. It seems more parents than ever are openly speaking about their losses and trying to educate others about the pain of living without their child. This is so inspirational to me and I hope it inspires others. Our children deserve to be spoken about proudly. Our loss is no small thing and needs to be acknowledged, only then will science take real interest in preventing the loss we endure.

http://www.facesofloss.com/

http://grieveoutloud.org/

http://thegriefeffect.blogspot.com/

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/

http://whisperedsupport.blogspot.com/

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

On this day, we take time to remember our babies and remember all the babies who have died. By banding together, we show the world, our babies we real and loved and remembered always.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregnancy_and_Infant_Loss_Remembrance_Day

http://www.pilari.org/